I've finally figured out why it's been so cold lately. It's a giant scheme of the Eskimos to freeze the world in order to finally conquer us all. I know I've accused the Eskimos of similar schemes in the past (remember the conspiracy to replace real shoes with snowshoes?), and they all turned out to be mostly false, but this one's for real.
In case this doesn't make sense, allow me to explain. The Eskimos, while easy to ignore for the most part, have been driven mad over the years with an insatiable thirst for revenge against the people who consigned them to the Arctic. Those people were historically Russians and Canadians, but over time have come to include everyone else. And since the Eskimos function best in frigid climates that the rest of us find paralyzing, this is the best means for them to enact their plans for vengeance.
Those of you not in Minnesota may find no cause for concern whatsoever. Think again. In a previous post, I vaguely implied that Minnesota is the perfect staging grounds for an all-out invasion of the entire United States. For instance, we have an airport with destinations in many major cities around the country. We also have two major interstates that connect our state with other states in the nation through a series of interconnected highways. In addition, our many lakes make for perfect hiding places for weapons and artillery. Thus, Minnesota is the ideal starting place for any would-be conquerors.
We need to start to prepare ourselves. Maybe we should all get space heaters and run them outside until this state warms up and scares the Eskimos away. It may cost a lot for your electric bill, but think about it this way. If I'm wrong, then there's no loss, and we might have an early spring on our hands. But if I'm right, then I just saved you from certain annihilation, and you ought to make me your king.
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1 comment:
I KNEW it!
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