When I started this, I was never sure how my run would come to an end. I sometimes wondered if I would blog for my entire life. Over the past few months, though, it's become clear that that would never happen. While I may always have the stamina for it (27 posts in a single day? YES!), I knew I would not always have the spirit for it. And now the spirit has run dry.
Effective today, I am retired from blogging.
As the confusion sets in, you may ask yourself, "Why? Why would God allow something like this to happen to me?" I feel your pain, and I'm sorry. The simple answer is that this blog inflates my ego and my pride. I do it to draw attention to myself, and that's not what I'm about. I love the praise I've gotten, but I shouldn't. I want all that glory to go to God. While this has been a great creative outlet for me, it's been bad for life I want to live in Christ.
"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." -Galatians 2:20
I will still read all the blogs I love, and I hold nothing against them. I hope all your blogging (or blog-reading) endeavors will be fulfilled in good heart. God bless us, every one.
2.26.2007
2.23.2007
Y
Y is for Yodeling
To be completely honest, I have practically no idea what yodeling is. I really doubt it's just the yodel-ay-he-hoo stuff, cuz then why would they need these giant horns? Maybe yodeling is part of some international secret society. Whatever. As long as liederhosen is involved, I'm not interested.
To be completely honest, I have practically no idea what yodeling is. I really doubt it's just the yodel-ay-he-hoo stuff, cuz then why would they need these giant horns? Maybe yodeling is part of some international secret society. Whatever. As long as liederhosen is involved, I'm not interested.
X
X is for X-Ray Vision
X-Ray vision is overrated. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be able to see anything at all. You'd see through everything, so you could only see nothing. You would without a doubt go insane. Or get hit a bus that you didn't see.
X-Ray vision is overrated. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be able to see anything at all. You'd see through everything, so you could only see nothing. You would without a doubt go insane. Or get hit a bus that you didn't see.
W
W is for Washington
Washington means far too many things. You could mean the city, the state, the avenue, the president, the middle name of the inventor of peanut butter, maybe the airport if there is one, and so on. For a really long time, I thought that every Washington sports team was in Washington State, but they're all in the DC! It's craziness!
I can't fault the system that demands we name everything after our first president, but I don't understand it. Why is seat of our government, one of the most important cities, named Washington, while one of our most marginalized states gets the same name? We should rename at least one of them Reagan.
Washington means far too many things. You could mean the city, the state, the avenue, the president, the middle name of the inventor of peanut butter, maybe the airport if there is one, and so on. For a really long time, I thought that every Washington sports team was in Washington State, but they're all in the DC! It's craziness!
I can't fault the system that demands we name everything after our first president, but I don't understand it. Why is seat of our government, one of the most important cities, named Washington, while one of our most marginalized states gets the same name? We should rename at least one of them Reagan.
V
V is for Venison
It's not duck, and it's not buffalo, but as far as the secondary animal meats go, venison comes in at a big #3!
It's not duck, and it's not buffalo, but as far as the secondary animal meats go, venison comes in at a big #3!
U
U is for Upside-Down
If it were physically possible, I would be upside-down all the time. It's so much more enjoyable than the opposite of being upside-down. For instance, a couple of my friends recently tried playing Guitar Hero while upside-down, and it was amazing. They couldn't do it for long, but still.
I wonder how many people have died from upside-down poisoning. They had something about that in Big Trouble in Little China: the hell of the upside-down sinners. It's probably not as bad as it sounds.
If it were physically possible, I would be upside-down all the time. It's so much more enjoyable than the opposite of being upside-down. For instance, a couple of my friends recently tried playing Guitar Hero while upside-down, and it was amazing. They couldn't do it for long, but still.
I wonder how many people have died from upside-down poisoning. They had something about that in Big Trouble in Little China: the hell of the upside-down sinners. It's probably not as bad as it sounds.
T
T is for A Tribe Called Quest
Q-Tip is awesome, but that seems an unwise choice for an emcee name. He probably should have picked something less directly associated with wiping the wax out of your ears. Unless, wait, I think I get it--it's like his rhymes are wiping the wax out of my ears! Nice!
But what's with the green and red mascot guy?
Q-Tip is awesome, but that seems an unwise choice for an emcee name. He probably should have picked something less directly associated with wiping the wax out of your ears. Unless, wait, I think I get it--it's like his rhymes are wiping the wax out of my ears! Nice!
But what's with the green and red mascot guy?
S
S is for Saturday
Ah, Saturday. The king of days. All the other days toil away in their caves while King Saturday looks on from his glorious throne settled on a hill of the skulls of his rebellious serfs. He laughs as he takes a long draught from his golden chalice of mirth-juice, then he turns and pulls a passing wench onto his lap and lays a hot smooch on her face. As she swoons in his enormous arms, he becomes possessed with violence, grows to ten times his normal size, swallows the wench whole, and destroys his palace in a maniacal rage. Ah, Saturday.
Ah, Saturday. The king of days. All the other days toil away in their caves while King Saturday looks on from his glorious throne settled on a hill of the skulls of his rebellious serfs. He laughs as he takes a long draught from his golden chalice of mirth-juice, then he turns and pulls a passing wench onto his lap and lays a hot smooch on her face. As she swoons in his enormous arms, he becomes possessed with violence, grows to ten times his normal size, swallows the wench whole, and destroys his palace in a maniacal rage. Ah, Saturday.
R
R is for Row, Row, Row Your Boat
I hate this song with a passion. Especially when they start doing it in canon. Man. Whoever wrote this song must have been possessed by Satan, or at least caused others to be possessed by Satan.
But it actually makes me wish I had a boat to row. I'm not talking kayak or canoe here. I'm talking rowboat. I wanna do this old school.
Scattergories Index: 3
I hate this song with a passion. Especially when they start doing it in canon. Man. Whoever wrote this song must have been possessed by Satan, or at least caused others to be possessed by Satan.
But it actually makes me wish I had a boat to row. I'm not talking kayak or canoe here. I'm talking rowboat. I wanna do this old school.
Scattergories Index: 3
Q
Q is for Quebec
I applaud the Quebecese for their tireless efforts to achieve independence from the oppression of English Canada. I also laugh at them for it at the same time. There is nothing I can think of that is quite as absurd as a proud and independent French Canadian nation. It's like putting a hat on a seal. Sure, he looks dignified and successful in that nice hat, but that's still a seal under there, buddy.
Nonetheless, I was surprised to learn that Quebec was founded by drag queens.
I applaud the Quebecese for their tireless efforts to achieve independence from the oppression of English Canada. I also laugh at them for it at the same time. There is nothing I can think of that is quite as absurd as a proud and independent French Canadian nation. It's like putting a hat on a seal. Sure, he looks dignified and successful in that nice hat, but that's still a seal under there, buddy.
Nonetheless, I was surprised to learn that Quebec was founded by drag queens.
P
P is for Putt-Putt
Though I've never been one to refer to Mini Golf as "Putt-Putt," I would get two points for giving it as an answer in Scattergories. 'Nuff said.
But seriously, the only way to enjoy this game is by hitting the ball way too hard. Nobody enjoys games that reward gentleness and precision.
Though I've never been one to refer to Mini Golf as "Putt-Putt," I would get two points for giving it as an answer in Scattergories. 'Nuff said.
But seriously, the only way to enjoy this game is by hitting the ball way too hard. Nobody enjoys games that reward gentleness and precision.
O
O is for O
Good album, but it's now somewhat overshadowed in my mind by the recent follow-up, 9. O is the superior album overall, but 9 has better songs.
I heard that O is based on The Story of O by some old-timey French author, but every internet search I do for that book only produces results about orgasms by Americans. Not like I'd read a French book anyway.
Good album, but it's now somewhat overshadowed in my mind by the recent follow-up, 9. O is the superior album overall, but 9 has better songs.
I heard that O is based on The Story of O by some old-timey French author, but every internet search I do for that book only produces results about orgasms by Americans. Not like I'd read a French book anyway.
N
N is for Naps
I just got back from one of these, and it was pretty great.
Interesting fact about napping: if you nap while sitting up and you lean your head on one shoulder, your neck will be sore when you wake up.
I just got back from one of these, and it was pretty great.
Interesting fact about napping: if you nap while sitting up and you lean your head on one shoulder, your neck will be sore when you wake up.
M
M is for Maple Syrup
When I was in 8th grade, I slept over at a friend's house with a few other guys. We had pancakes in the morning, and I overused the syrup. I was made fun of for months for my "bad liquid management." How sad that the children have to resort to corporate speak for their witticisms.
Who decided that syrup was a good idea anyway? Communists?
When I was in 8th grade, I slept over at a friend's house with a few other guys. We had pancakes in the morning, and I overused the syrup. I was made fun of for months for my "bad liquid management." How sad that the children have to resort to corporate speak for their witticisms.
Who decided that syrup was a good idea anyway? Communists?
L
L is for Lug Nut
A Short Dialogue about Lug Nuts
PERSON B: Hand me a lug nut.
PERSON A: What's a lug nut?
PERSON B: I don't know.
PERSON A: You drove me all the way out to Stonehenge for this?
PERSON B: Maybe if you stopped complaining you'd enjoy it.
A Short Dialogue about Lug Nuts
PERSON B: Hand me a lug nut.
PERSON A: What's a lug nut?
PERSON B: I don't know.
PERSON A: You drove me all the way out to Stonehenge for this?
PERSON B: Maybe if you stopped complaining you'd enjoy it.
K
K is for Kazakhstan
Kazakhstan is an enigmatic nation. After gaining its independence from the Soviet Union in 2002, it has remained a loner in the international community. Here are some facts about the country from the little we know:
-Satellite photos show that it has some mountains.
-A lot of the people appear to be bored.
-Smiling might be against the law.
-Also, there are some trees, most of which are dying.
-The people do, in fact, eat rabbits.
-Contrary to what some have heard, their water is free of charge.
Kazakhstan is an enigmatic nation. After gaining its independence from the Soviet Union in 2002, it has remained a loner in the international community. Here are some facts about the country from the little we know:
-Satellite photos show that it has some mountains.
-A lot of the people appear to be bored.
-Smiling might be against the law.
-Also, there are some trees, most of which are dying.
-The people do, in fact, eat rabbits.
-Contrary to what some have heard, their water is free of charge.
J
J is for Jordache
I knew a couple kids who had Jordache backpacks, and I never understood it. Wouldn't you rather have a backpack with a cartoon character on it?
And did you know that Jordache is still making stuff? I had no idea. Apparently they're doing the jeans thing now. Topless models and everything. Good for them.
I knew a couple kids who had Jordache backpacks, and I never understood it. Wouldn't you rather have a backpack with a cartoon character on it?
And did you know that Jordache is still making stuff? I had no idea. Apparently they're doing the jeans thing now. Topless models and everything. Good for them.
I
I is for Iguana
"I" was always my favorite part of these things in school because the iguana. I think it was because "iguana" was the only word that started with "I" that I could think of.
Iguanas have the perfect look. It's half, "I'm lazy; leave me alone while I sit on my stick" and half "I'm so much better than you that you probably don't even exist." If it wasn't for the lazy part, these guys would be in control of the planet easy. They're man-eaters, you know.
"I" was always my favorite part of these things in school because the iguana. I think it was because "iguana" was the only word that started with "I" that I could think of.
Iguanas have the perfect look. It's half, "I'm lazy; leave me alone while I sit on my stick" and half "I'm so much better than you that you probably don't even exist." If it wasn't for the lazy part, these guys would be in control of the planet easy. They're man-eaters, you know.
H
H is for Hype Williams
About 12-15 years ago, when it actually was the mid-90s, I hated every rap video I saw. And 12-15 years from now, when the mid-90s are born again in typical ironic/retro fashion, I will love every video this man has made (except maybe that Tupac Road Warrior ripoff one). He actually makes me want to listen to "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems." And he paradoxically makes me think that Busta Rhymes is not ugly by accentuating his ugliness.
I really think people should wear shiny, puffy suits and bug-eye goggles everywhere they go. If I ever become mayor of something, I'm going to make some day shiny, puffy suit day.
About 12-15 years ago, when it actually was the mid-90s, I hated every rap video I saw. And 12-15 years from now, when the mid-90s are born again in typical ironic/retro fashion, I will love every video this man has made (except maybe that Tupac Road Warrior ripoff one). He actually makes me want to listen to "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems." And he paradoxically makes me think that Busta Rhymes is not ugly by accentuating his ugliness.
I really think people should wear shiny, puffy suits and bug-eye goggles everywhere they go. If I ever become mayor of something, I'm going to make some day shiny, puffy suit day.
G
G is for Grover
How the hell did Elmo ever get more attention than Grover? Grover has an enormous advantage, from his more flailable limbs to his...um...superior grooming!
OK, to be honest, the two are almost completely indistinguishable in my head. I bet the Sesame Street brain trust just told the puppet people to make a red one and a blue one.
I almost wish I had any memories of Grover of at all.
How the hell did Elmo ever get more attention than Grover? Grover has an enormous advantage, from his more flailable limbs to his...um...superior grooming!
OK, to be honest, the two are almost completely indistinguishable in my head. I bet the Sesame Street brain trust just told the puppet people to make a red one and a blue one.
I almost wish I had any memories of Grover of at all.
F
F is for Forty
Forty is one of those numbers a lot of people forget about. Who can blame them? Wedged right between 39 and 41, it's easy to overlook this dull monster. I already forgot it a couple times while I was writing this.
There are some good things we should remember this number for, though:
-the year 1940, year of Disney's Pinocchio and the first black man on a postage stamp.
-it's the number of days and nights Noah and company had to do nothing while waiting for the flood to subside.
-it's the product of 4 and 10, or conversely, the product of 10 and 4.
F is not for Fifty.
Forty is one of those numbers a lot of people forget about. Who can blame them? Wedged right between 39 and 41, it's easy to overlook this dull monster. I already forgot it a couple times while I was writing this.
There are some good things we should remember this number for, though:
-the year 1940, year of Disney's Pinocchio and the first black man on a postage stamp.
-it's the number of days and nights Noah and company had to do nothing while waiting for the flood to subside.
-it's the product of 4 and 10, or conversely, the product of 10 and 4.
F is not for Fifty.
E
E is for Explosions
E was originally going to be for a few different things before it ended up being for explosions. I considered elephantiasis, erectile dysfunction, and endocrine system, and I'm pretty sure all of those would have made for some enormously unpleasant pictures. Check out this one, though. That's a pretty big explosion. That'll ruin your farmland for years to come.
Deep down, though, when you get past all the oos and ahs, I'm pretty sure E is actually for erectile dysfunction.
E was originally going to be for a few different things before it ended up being for explosions. I considered elephantiasis, erectile dysfunction, and endocrine system, and I'm pretty sure all of those would have made for some enormously unpleasant pictures. Check out this one, though. That's a pretty big explosion. That'll ruin your farmland for years to come.
Deep down, though, when you get past all the oos and ahs, I'm pretty sure E is actually for erectile dysfunction.
D
D is for Drapery
There's this place by where I used to live called the Drapery Place or something, and whenever we drove by it somebody would make a joke that I can't remember. I only remember the punchline. "It's curtains for them!" You can imagine how that would be funny with the right set-up.
There's this place by where I used to live called the Drapery Place or something, and whenever we drove by it somebody would make a joke that I can't remember. I only remember the punchline. "It's curtains for them!" You can imagine how that would be funny with the right set-up.
C
C is for Cretaceous
The cretaceous period is hands-down the sweetest dinosaur era. You've got the Triceratops, the T. Rex (I think), and maybe the Stegasaurus. No brontosaurus, though, and that was always my favorite. I was so pissed off when I found out he wasn't the biggest dinosaur ever. I felt like I'd wasted my life.
You know why they need to get their act together on this dinosaur cloning business? Cage matches. Breed more vicious animals to be ripped to shreds for my amusement! Dinosaurs vs. Olympic athletes!
The cretaceous period is hands-down the sweetest dinosaur era. You've got the Triceratops, the T. Rex (I think), and maybe the Stegasaurus. No brontosaurus, though, and that was always my favorite. I was so pissed off when I found out he wasn't the biggest dinosaur ever. I felt like I'd wasted my life.
You know why they need to get their act together on this dinosaur cloning business? Cage matches. Breed more vicious animals to be ripped to shreds for my amusement! Dinosaurs vs. Olympic athletes!
B
B is for Batman
Remember Batman and Robin? Neither do I really, but I do remember that Batman's suit had nipples on it. Bad call, probably-Academy-Award-nominated costume designers.
Remember Batman and Robin? Neither do I really, but I do remember that Batman's suit had nipples on it. Bad call, probably-Academy-Award-nominated costume designers.
A
A is for apple.
I don't get what the big deal with apples is anyway, but these alphabet things always start with apple. What about acrobats? Alaska? Amtrack? Apples don't even taste that good most of the time. And you know what's really bizarre? I have not met a single person who enjoys Red Delicious apples.
You know, there are a lot of apple myths that really bother me. Wheres the worm in the apple? That never happens. But I did once own an apple for about a month without eating it, and when I bit into it, it was all brown on the inside. That was pretty gross.
I don't get what the big deal with apples is anyway, but these alphabet things always start with apple. What about acrobats? Alaska? Amtrack? Apples don't even taste that good most of the time. And you know what's really bizarre? I have not met a single person who enjoys Red Delicious apples.
You know, there are a lot of apple myths that really bother me. Wheres the worm in the apple? That never happens. But I did once own an apple for about a month without eating it, and when I bit into it, it was all brown on the inside. That was pretty gross.
Alphabet Day
Once again, here's an introductory post that you probably won't read until you read all the entries that it's introducing. I'm really sorry it has to happen this way, but it's the laws of physics. Not much I can do about that, can I?
So anyway, to the thing I'm introducing. Today's blog theme will be "The Alphabet." Much like something I did in first or second grade, each entry will focus on a letter of the alphabet and something beginning with that letter. I will begin with A, follow that up with B, move onto C, and so on.
The goal is to finish the whole alphabet in the five or six hours I have remaining here today. It's sort of a busy day, so I don't know if I'll be able to do it. But here's hoping!
So anyway, to the thing I'm introducing. Today's blog theme will be "The Alphabet." Much like something I did in first or second grade, each entry will focus on a letter of the alphabet and something beginning with that letter. I will begin with A, follow that up with B, move onto C, and so on.
The goal is to finish the whole alphabet in the five or six hours I have remaining here today. It's sort of a busy day, so I don't know if I'll be able to do it. But here's hoping!
2.22.2007
Mononucleosis
I don't remember ever feeling so much like mashed potatoes. My brain feels like gravy, though, so we go well together. It's like I'm one giant side-dish. Yuck.
Maybe I have mono. I can hardly conceive of how much that would suck. There would be a great many things I would rather have than mono. I would rather have a dozen mummies in my apartment. Actually, who wouldn't want that? Or, who wouldn't watch a sitcom about that? Nobody, that's who.
I hope the zombies will save me. I'm the one holding the sign that say "Eat My Brains, Please." But for now, I guess I'll party with the mononucleosis bacteria.
Maybe I have mono. I can hardly conceive of how much that would suck. There would be a great many things I would rather have than mono. I would rather have a dozen mummies in my apartment. Actually, who wouldn't want that? Or, who wouldn't watch a sitcom about that? Nobody, that's who.
I hope the zombies will save me. I'm the one holding the sign that say "Eat My Brains, Please." But for now, I guess I'll party with the mononucleosis bacteria.
2.21.2007
2.20.2007
Implosion
Christine has nothing to blog about today, and neither do I, but I need to do something to relieve the pressure (or is it non-pressure?) of this horrible work-filled day.
I may have set a personal record for most work done in a single day. I did 7 critical incidents (and there's still an hour lift in the day--this better not be a jinx), and I spent the majority of my free time fretting about those incidents along the other traumas of daily life. It was not a fun day.
Allow me to reflect for a moment: it's hard not to be depressed when everything going on is depressing. It's not like there's no hope, though. Of course there's hope. But please, God, deliver on some of it!
I just got a chocolate-covered almond from a coworker. While I don't much like chocolate, and I'm mostly indifferent to almonds, but this may mean my day is finally on an upswing. Probably not, but at least I can thank God for these little kindnesses that sustain me.
I may have set a personal record for most work done in a single day. I did 7 critical incidents (and there's still an hour lift in the day--this better not be a jinx), and I spent the majority of my free time fretting about those incidents along the other traumas of daily life. It was not a fun day.
Allow me to reflect for a moment: it's hard not to be depressed when everything going on is depressing. It's not like there's no hope, though. Of course there's hope. But please, God, deliver on some of it!
I just got a chocolate-covered almond from a coworker. While I don't much like chocolate, and I'm mostly indifferent to almonds, but this may mean my day is finally on an upswing. Probably not, but at least I can thank God for these little kindnesses that sustain me.
2.16.2007
Don't Take it From Me, Part 2
(Don't Take it From Me, Part 1)
My pal Murgatroyd just back from being on tour with his band, so I figure I'd give him another shot at the advice column business.
Dear Murgatroyd,
My friends and I put sugar in my mom's gas tank, and she found out. Now I'm grounded for three months. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Nicholas Redfield
Dear Nick,
You should have asked that question before you got caught. My answer would have been, don't get caught. Now you are screwed.
Love,
Murgatroyd
Dear Murgatroyd,
I really like to go to the zoo. The zebras are my favorite. Last time I went to the zoo, I saw a zebra get stuck on top of another zebra. Mommy said that's how they stay warm. Is she right?
Sincerely,
I love zebras
Dear Zebra-lover,
Hahahahaha, that's awesome.
Love,
Murgatroyd
Dear Murgatroyd,
I just got fired from my waitressing job at TGI Fridays. Where should I go get a new job?
Sincerely,
Molly McCutcheon
Dear Molly,
I have worked many places, and the best place to work is the pet shop. You get to play with all the animals, and when you need to shoot your music video, you get to use all the puppies for free! However, you will get fired.
Love,
Murgatroyd
Dear Murgatroyd,
How's the doctorate coming?
Sincerely,
Prof. Edward Plummer
Dear Professor,
I am proposing my dissertation in two weeks. It will be on whether or not penguins can play guitar. I believe they can, and I drew a picture to prove it. I will be the best PhD of all time!
Love,
Murgatroyd
My pal Murgatroyd just back from being on tour with his band, so I figure I'd give him another shot at the advice column business.
Dear Murgatroyd,
My friends and I put sugar in my mom's gas tank, and she found out. Now I'm grounded for three months. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Nicholas Redfield
Dear Nick,
You should have asked that question before you got caught. My answer would have been, don't get caught. Now you are screwed.
Love,
Murgatroyd
Dear Murgatroyd,
I really like to go to the zoo. The zebras are my favorite. Last time I went to the zoo, I saw a zebra get stuck on top of another zebra. Mommy said that's how they stay warm. Is she right?
Sincerely,
I love zebras
Dear Zebra-lover,
Hahahahaha, that's awesome.
Love,
Murgatroyd
Dear Murgatroyd,
I just got fired from my waitressing job at TGI Fridays. Where should I go get a new job?
Sincerely,
Molly McCutcheon
Dear Molly,
I have worked many places, and the best place to work is the pet shop. You get to play with all the animals, and when you need to shoot your music video, you get to use all the puppies for free! However, you will get fired.
Love,
Murgatroyd
Dear Murgatroyd,
How's the doctorate coming?
Sincerely,
Prof. Edward Plummer
Dear Professor,
I am proposing my dissertation in two weeks. It will be on whether or not penguins can play guitar. I believe they can, and I drew a picture to prove it. I will be the best PhD of all time!
Love,
Murgatroyd
An Ode to Montana, Part 2
(An Ode to Montana, Part 1)
Hey, Montana, what the hell was that about?
I wrote you a sweet poem, and what do I get?
You stole my wallet and left me
For Alabama, one of the worst states ever,
And I'm pretty sure he's got VD.
Did I ever hit you or treat you wrong?
I don't think so, but there was that one time
That you caught me smoking pot with Rhode Island,
But what was the problem with that?
You didn't need to make a big deal out of it.
Maybe I never loved like you needed,
And since I don't really know anything about you,
I'd say you're probably right, even though
You'll never find anyone else who likes you.
Not like I care about you anymore, Montana,
Or like I even cared about you to begin with.
Sometimes I came home and didn't even recognize you.
It still pisses me off, though, I guess,
In a way similar to my distaste for cold syrup:
It doesn't ruin my pancake, but it won't do much for it.
So I decided to start over in a new place,
One that rings slighlty less hollow in memory.
It's Michigan, which is still mostly boring,
But it's sports teams have won championships,
And that's better than anything you've ever done,
Montana, you fat slut.
Hey, Montana, what the hell was that about?
I wrote you a sweet poem, and what do I get?
You stole my wallet and left me
For Alabama, one of the worst states ever,
And I'm pretty sure he's got VD.
Did I ever hit you or treat you wrong?
I don't think so, but there was that one time
That you caught me smoking pot with Rhode Island,
But what was the problem with that?
You didn't need to make a big deal out of it.
Maybe I never loved like you needed,
And since I don't really know anything about you,
I'd say you're probably right, even though
You'll never find anyone else who likes you.
Not like I care about you anymore, Montana,
Or like I even cared about you to begin with.
Sometimes I came home and didn't even recognize you.
It still pisses me off, though, I guess,
In a way similar to my distaste for cold syrup:
It doesn't ruin my pancake, but it won't do much for it.
So I decided to start over in a new place,
One that rings slighlty less hollow in memory.
It's Michigan, which is still mostly boring,
But it's sports teams have won championships,
And that's better than anything you've ever done,
Montana, you fat slut.
The Nation of Unspar, Part 2
(The Nation of Unspar, Part 1)
It's been a long time since I've been to my home country, the Nation of Unspar. Shortly after the country voted to make Spanish the national language, everything went to hell. The economy collapsed, we had four to five coups in less than six weeks (five if you count the two coups that happened on the same day), and the water supply became unsavory. I applied for citizenship in the United States and left my once beautiful homeland.
Today I returned to see if anything has changed. I couldn't believe what I found.
Over the 9 months I've been gone, the Nation of Unspar became more ridiculous than most people could imagine. After setting the record for most coups in a month (August 2006: 131 coups), most of them violent, the nation dissolved and reunited 12 times. Upon its most recent reunion, the government enacted several "protective" measures to prevent future dissolution. These measures include requirements that every private business and residence fly each of the country's 14 flags, one for each of the letters in the words "Nation of Unspar," under penalty of death; a bimonthly celebration called "Pineapple Day," the purpose and meaning of which are still being debated; and the illegalization of domesticated mammals (birds are apparently OK). There are also several conflicting laws regarding the conduct of gravity on the books, and I was arrested twice for breaking at least half of them.
After I left, the Nation of Unspar boasted two citizens, and the population remained steady until December when one of the citizens got a girlfriend. At different times each of the three proceded secede from the union and found hostile nations. The most succesful of these rogue states was the Nation of Clean Dishes, which began when one of the original citizens refused to wash the dishes until the others decided to pitch in for dishwasher. The nation collapsed after two months due to heavy economic sanctions. The least succesful was called simply "Hand," founded by the girlfriend when they broke up one afternoon. The two remaining citizens were forced into three-party talks with Hand, and these were unfruitful at first. Hand would not engage in dialogue; it would only demand that it be talked to because the face would not listen. Friendly relations were restored later that evening.
Apparently, though, people are learning Spanish faster than expected.
It's been a long time since I've been to my home country, the Nation of Unspar. Shortly after the country voted to make Spanish the national language, everything went to hell. The economy collapsed, we had four to five coups in less than six weeks (five if you count the two coups that happened on the same day), and the water supply became unsavory. I applied for citizenship in the United States and left my once beautiful homeland.
Today I returned to see if anything has changed. I couldn't believe what I found.
Over the 9 months I've been gone, the Nation of Unspar became more ridiculous than most people could imagine. After setting the record for most coups in a month (August 2006: 131 coups), most of them violent, the nation dissolved and reunited 12 times. Upon its most recent reunion, the government enacted several "protective" measures to prevent future dissolution. These measures include requirements that every private business and residence fly each of the country's 14 flags, one for each of the letters in the words "Nation of Unspar," under penalty of death; a bimonthly celebration called "Pineapple Day," the purpose and meaning of which are still being debated; and the illegalization of domesticated mammals (birds are apparently OK). There are also several conflicting laws regarding the conduct of gravity on the books, and I was arrested twice for breaking at least half of them.
After I left, the Nation of Unspar boasted two citizens, and the population remained steady until December when one of the citizens got a girlfriend. At different times each of the three proceded secede from the union and found hostile nations. The most succesful of these rogue states was the Nation of Clean Dishes, which began when one of the original citizens refused to wash the dishes until the others decided to pitch in for dishwasher. The nation collapsed after two months due to heavy economic sanctions. The least succesful was called simply "Hand," founded by the girlfriend when they broke up one afternoon. The two remaining citizens were forced into three-party talks with Hand, and these were unfruitful at first. Hand would not engage in dialogue; it would only demand that it be talked to because the face would not listen. Friendly relations were restored later that evening.
Apparently, though, people are learning Spanish faster than expected.
Angry, Part 2: Not Angry
(Angry, Part 1)
Dude, I'm really sorry about that outburst a few months ago. Turns out my M&Ms were in my desk drawer. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. I should've known you didn't take them. You don't even like chocolate, let alone chocolate in a delicious candy shell.
And I'm really sorry for calling you a terrorist. I did some research about September 11th, and it turns out those attacks had nothing--or very little--to do with M&Ms. If anybody's the terrorist here, it's me. It's actually not me; I'm not really a terrorist. I just said that to make you feel better.
I think I'm most sorry for nearly killing you. And thanks for not pressing charges, by the way. That's really big of you. I didn't mean to kill you anyway. I just wanted to teach you a lesson about taking my M&Ms. I know you didn't take them, I'm sorry, but I had to make an example out of you so that no one would touch my M&Ms ever again. I really thought the flamethrower would just toast your clothes. I really didn't mean for you to lose your arms and half your brain function. But I guess that's what you get for taking my M&Ms, right? Oh yeah, you didn't take them. I forgot for a second.
I hope that spending the rest of your life in an assisted living home isn't the worst that ever happens to you. I mean, it's not all bad. Some of these nurses are pretty hot. Oh, I didn't know about the permanent catheter. Sorry.
Anyway, I can't really afford to help you out on your bills right now, and I don't really think that's my responsibility. I mean, I'm not the one who almost got burned to death, was I? Try and understand the situation I'm in here.
Get well soon! Here's a balloon!
Dude, I'm really sorry about that outburst a few months ago. Turns out my M&Ms were in my desk drawer. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. I should've known you didn't take them. You don't even like chocolate, let alone chocolate in a delicious candy shell.
And I'm really sorry for calling you a terrorist. I did some research about September 11th, and it turns out those attacks had nothing--or very little--to do with M&Ms. If anybody's the terrorist here, it's me. It's actually not me; I'm not really a terrorist. I just said that to make you feel better.
I think I'm most sorry for nearly killing you. And thanks for not pressing charges, by the way. That's really big of you. I didn't mean to kill you anyway. I just wanted to teach you a lesson about taking my M&Ms. I know you didn't take them, I'm sorry, but I had to make an example out of you so that no one would touch my M&Ms ever again. I really thought the flamethrower would just toast your clothes. I really didn't mean for you to lose your arms and half your brain function. But I guess that's what you get for taking my M&Ms, right? Oh yeah, you didn't take them. I forgot for a second.
I hope that spending the rest of your life in an assisted living home isn't the worst that ever happens to you. I mean, it's not all bad. Some of these nurses are pretty hot. Oh, I didn't know about the permanent catheter. Sorry.
Anyway, I can't really afford to help you out on your bills right now, and I don't really think that's my responsibility. I mean, I'm not the one who almost got burned to death, was I? Try and understand the situation I'm in here.
Get well soon! Here's a balloon!
Cave Adventure, Part 2
(Cave Adventure, Part 1)
Ben and Dracula are hanging out in Dracula's cave.
BEN: So why the cave?
DRACULA: They kicked me out of my castle, and this was the only place that provided the dark and dank that I love.
BEN: Who kicked you out?
DRACULA: The peasants.
BEN: Effin' peasants, man.
DRACULA: Tell me about it.
BEN: Hey Dracula?
DRACULA: Yeah?
BEN: You got any marijuana in this cave?
Later, Ben and Dracula are high
BEN: Sta-lac-tite. Tite.
DRACULA: Whoa.
BEN: Sta-lag-mite. Lag-mite. Guh.
DRACULA: Dude, you are crazy.
BEN: It's like they're the same, but not.
DRACULA: All right, just shut up for a second.
BEN: Sta-lac-tite.
DRACULA: Dude, seriously, shut up.
BEN: What's the deal, Dracula?
DRACULA: I'm still pissed that you wouldn't give me your torch.
BEN: Hahahaha. Sucker.
DRACULA: I'll--oh, hahahaha, it's a pun!
Ben and Dracula are hanging out in Dracula's cave.
BEN: So why the cave?
DRACULA: They kicked me out of my castle, and this was the only place that provided the dark and dank that I love.
BEN: Who kicked you out?
DRACULA: The peasants.
BEN: Effin' peasants, man.
DRACULA: Tell me about it.
BEN: Hey Dracula?
DRACULA: Yeah?
BEN: You got any marijuana in this cave?
Later, Ben and Dracula are high
BEN: Sta-lac-tite. Tite.
DRACULA: Whoa.
BEN: Sta-lag-mite. Lag-mite. Guh.
DRACULA: Dude, you are crazy.
BEN: It's like they're the same, but not.
DRACULA: All right, just shut up for a second.
BEN: Sta-lac-tite.
DRACULA: Dude, seriously, shut up.
BEN: What's the deal, Dracula?
DRACULA: I'm still pissed that you wouldn't give me your torch.
BEN: Hahahaha. Sucker.
DRACULA: I'll--oh, hahahaha, it's a pun!
Blog Day, Part 2
I expect absolutely nothing to happen today. Seriously. Nothing. Maybe I'll do something vaguely productive like read or pray, but in between that, I'm returning to the spirit that started this blog. Friday is once again Blog Day.
However, since nothing will happen today, I'll have nothing new to write about. Instead of writing about new things, then, I'll be revisiting several of my old posts for a "Part 2." Chances are good that you'll have read one or two of them before you read this, though, in which case the explanation is somewhat moot.
Sorry to waste your time with an introductory post that's not introductory.
However, since nothing will happen today, I'll have nothing new to write about. Instead of writing about new things, then, I'll be revisiting several of my old posts for a "Part 2." Chances are good that you'll have read one or two of them before you read this, though, in which case the explanation is somewhat moot.
Sorry to waste your time with an introductory post that's not introductory.
2.14.2007
Lesser Known Holidays
Being that today is Valentine's Day for many of us, and being that Valentine's Day tends to be a scourge to many of us, I'd like to invite everyone to celebrate the lesser known holidays of February 14th.
Mormon Governance Day: On this day in 1835, the first Quorum of the Twelve Apostles was established as the governing body of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Today we celebrate in rigid tradition the confusion and nonsense of this church body.
Presidential Photography Day: President James K. Polk became the first U.S. President to be photographed on February 14th, 1849, so today presidential enthusiasts and laypeople alike gather together all the pictures of presidents they can find and make collages.
Oregon Day: Exactly 148 years ago today, Oregon entered our great union as the 33rd state, just in time for the Civil War. Oregon natives celebrate this day with little to no enthusiasm.
Arizona Day: Exactly 95 years ago today, Arizona entered our great union as the 48th state, missing the Civil War by approximately 50 years and establishing their heritage as an embarrassment to America.
Valentine's Day Massacre Day: In 1929 several gangsters celebrate Valentine's Day by murdering seven rival gangsters. Much like men and women in love celebrate their hearts, those in gangs celebrate this bloodbath.
Currency Decimalization Day: On February 14th, 1966, Australia introduced the decimal point to their currency system, thus making them seem slightly less like savages. The decimal point was left out for so long because many Australians believed dots were haunted. Today they celebrate by burning effigies of Satan.
Mormon Governance Day: On this day in 1835, the first Quorum of the Twelve Apostles was established as the governing body of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Today we celebrate in rigid tradition the confusion and nonsense of this church body.
Presidential Photography Day: President James K. Polk became the first U.S. President to be photographed on February 14th, 1849, so today presidential enthusiasts and laypeople alike gather together all the pictures of presidents they can find and make collages.
Oregon Day: Exactly 148 years ago today, Oregon entered our great union as the 33rd state, just in time for the Civil War. Oregon natives celebrate this day with little to no enthusiasm.
Arizona Day: Exactly 95 years ago today, Arizona entered our great union as the 48th state, missing the Civil War by approximately 50 years and establishing their heritage as an embarrassment to America.
Valentine's Day Massacre Day: In 1929 several gangsters celebrate Valentine's Day by murdering seven rival gangsters. Much like men and women in love celebrate their hearts, those in gangs celebrate this bloodbath.
Currency Decimalization Day: On February 14th, 1966, Australia introduced the decimal point to their currency system, thus making them seem slightly less like savages. The decimal point was left out for so long because many Australians believed dots were haunted. Today they celebrate by burning effigies of Satan.
2.08.2007
All My Dreams Will Come True
Today I've received several kind birthday messages, and there is one that has bewitched me. Sarah's sister Cat called me, and most of her message made me smile, and then she said she hopes all my dreams will come true.
They better.
But seriously, that's a really great birthday wish, and I think I might start wishing people that on a daily basis. Hey, how's it going, may all your dreams come true.
Thanks, Cat! And thank you everyone who wished or will wish me a happy birthday!
They better.
But seriously, that's a really great birthday wish, and I think I might start wishing people that on a daily basis. Hey, how's it going, may all your dreams come true.
Thanks, Cat! And thank you everyone who wished or will wish me a happy birthday!
Birthday History
My birthday has a much darker history than I expected. I'm sure history doesn't record a lot of the really happy things that happen every day, but still, mine our pretty bad.
Feb 8, 1587 - Mary, Queen of Scots is exectued for involvement in a plot to kill Queen Elizabeth I.
Feb 8, 1692 - Some doctor declares that three girls are under the dominion of Satan, thus beginning the Salem Witch trials.
Feb 8, 1887 - The Dawes Act is passed, allowing for the formation of reservations for Native Americans while simultanouesly outlawing unsweetened chocolate.
Feb 8, 1915 - The Birth of a Nation, one of the most racist films ever made, premiers, followed immediately by the KKK's conquest of Los Angeles.
Feb 8, 1963 - The U.S. embargo against trade with and travel to Cuba begins. Communism flourishes.
Feb 8, 1968 - Three civil rights protesters are killed outside a white-only bowling alley by the South Carolina Highway Patrol.
And now this year, Feb 8, 2007 - "Sam Calvert Cries In Science." Though it may not be there anymore, it was for really posted on the ever-trustworthy Wikipedia. As far as I can tell, Sam Calvert is an attorney in St. Cloud, MN. I can't find any reason why science made him cry.
Feb 8, 1587 - Mary, Queen of Scots is exectued for involvement in a plot to kill Queen Elizabeth I.
Feb 8, 1692 - Some doctor declares that three girls are under the dominion of Satan, thus beginning the Salem Witch trials.
Feb 8, 1887 - The Dawes Act is passed, allowing for the formation of reservations for Native Americans while simultanouesly outlawing unsweetened chocolate.
Feb 8, 1915 - The Birth of a Nation, one of the most racist films ever made, premiers, followed immediately by the KKK's conquest of Los Angeles.
Feb 8, 1963 - The U.S. embargo against trade with and travel to Cuba begins. Communism flourishes.
Feb 8, 1968 - Three civil rights protesters are killed outside a white-only bowling alley by the South Carolina Highway Patrol.
And now this year, Feb 8, 2007 - "Sam Calvert Cries In Science." Though it may not be there anymore, it was for really posted on the ever-trustworthy Wikipedia. As far as I can tell, Sam Calvert is an attorney in St. Cloud, MN. I can't find any reason why science made him cry.
Subconscious Birthday Present
Last night I dreamt that my car could fly. It was not a special flying car, it was my car. My 1997 Saturn SL1. All I needed to do was pull back on the steering wheel, and the thing took off. I flew all around a park, played a little frisbee from my flying car and then landed safely to the awe of all around me.
Later in the very same dream, I had to travel to the border of Minnesota and Wisconsin by crawling on my hands and knees. That sucked.
Later in the very same dream, I had to travel to the border of Minnesota and Wisconsin by crawling on my hands and knees. That sucked.
Birthday Beginning
I woke up this morning and thought that the best birthday present I could give myself would be calling in sick and playing Guitar Hero all day. Unfortunately, though, I knew that would be slothful, and I only allow myself one deadly sin per week (this week's was gluttony because I had a hot dog at a basketball game). I also figured I would miss out on a lot of birthday messages.
My first message of the day was a singing voicemail. It may be the most bizarre birthday message I've ever received--not because of the singing, though I don't often get a singing message, but because there was bad reception so it sounded really choppy, and I could not tell who was singing. I have come up with a list of suspects.
Christine
Sarah
Hayley (my sister)
or Jeremy Enigk
If it was you, please tell me. I refuse to let this mystery remain unsolved.
My first message of the day was a singing voicemail. It may be the most bizarre birthday message I've ever received--not because of the singing, though I don't often get a singing message, but because there was bad reception so it sounded really choppy, and I could not tell who was singing. I have come up with a list of suspects.
Christine
Sarah
Hayley (my sister)
or Jeremy Enigk
If it was you, please tell me. I refuse to let this mystery remain unsolved.
2.07.2007
Birthday List
Tomorrow is my real birthday, and if you haven't gotten me a present yet, here's some ideas, in order of coolness (but which way the order goes, I have no idea):
1. A baseball stadium.
2. A 12-pack of OK Soda.
3. The collision of Neptune and Pluto.
4. A bunch of goats dropped into a tank with a great white shark.
5. New Mexico.
6. Anything with dinosaurs but not a real dinosaur.
7. A diamond mine.
8. Overpaid musicians like John Mayer to toil hilariously in my diamond mine.
9. A trash can shaped like R2-D2 that makes noise when you drop something in it.
10. Hand lotion.
11. Aladdin on DVD.
12. The hanging gardens of Babylon.
1. A baseball stadium.
2. A 12-pack of OK Soda.
3. The collision of Neptune and Pluto.
4. A bunch of goats dropped into a tank with a great white shark.
5. New Mexico.
6. Anything with dinosaurs but not a real dinosaur.
7. A diamond mine.
8. Overpaid musicians like John Mayer to toil hilariously in my diamond mine.
9. A trash can shaped like R2-D2 that makes noise when you drop something in it.
10. Hand lotion.
11. Aladdin on DVD.
12. The hanging gardens of Babylon.
2.05.2007
Magnificently Duped: The Party
(This is Part 2 of the story of my surprise birthday party. Here's Part 1 if you need it.)
I was informed ahead of time that the theme of the party was "Coreywalkers: Corey the Magnificent" (for those of you not from my church, that references this year's Faithwalkers conference, and there were a lot of inside jokes about it, so I'm sorry you didn't get them), but it was actually a combination Corey and Ben Walkers. A bunch of good friends of ours gave speeches about us. Jeshurun shaved his head (much earlier in the day, but still), Jordan reinterpreted a series of popular songs about Corey, Lee answered the long-burning question "Was is Corey?", and Joe recited several of my blog posts (and they sound even more bizarre out loud). Corey and I were also asked to give speeches about each other, and my speech on Corey can now be found online.
The rest was great too, but detailing it in blog form wouldn't be that interesting to anybody but me. Normally that wouldn't stop me, but I'm almost 24 now, and I'm a little bit more mature. Some little highlights for myself, in case I would forget some of it: seeing Jimbo again, Lee's "lamest birthday card ever," Nicole laughing like crazy during Lee's interview, and Anthony charading "Hokey Pokey Deathmatch." If you were there, please remind me of the other wonderful moments in the comments.
To all my friends: You're all better than I ever could have hoped for. Thanks for being such wonderful examples of God's love in my life.
I was informed ahead of time that the theme of the party was "Coreywalkers: Corey the Magnificent" (for those of you not from my church, that references this year's Faithwalkers conference, and there were a lot of inside jokes about it, so I'm sorry you didn't get them), but it was actually a combination Corey and Ben Walkers. A bunch of good friends of ours gave speeches about us. Jeshurun shaved his head (much earlier in the day, but still), Jordan reinterpreted a series of popular songs about Corey, Lee answered the long-burning question "Was is Corey?", and Joe recited several of my blog posts (and they sound even more bizarre out loud). Corey and I were also asked to give speeches about each other, and my speech on Corey can now be found online.
The rest was great too, but detailing it in blog form wouldn't be that interesting to anybody but me. Normally that wouldn't stop me, but I'm almost 24 now, and I'm a little bit more mature. Some little highlights for myself, in case I would forget some of it: seeing Jimbo again, Lee's "lamest birthday card ever," Nicole laughing like crazy during Lee's interview, and Anthony charading "Hokey Pokey Deathmatch." If you were there, please remind me of the other wonderful moments in the comments.
To all my friends: You're all better than I ever could have hoped for. Thanks for being such wonderful examples of God's love in my life.
Magnificently Duped
For the one or two of you who weren't at the party on Saturday, a bunch of friends threw me and my friend Corey (whose birthday was on the 3rd) a surprise birthday party on Saturday. The party itself was beyond amazing and probably makes the list of the Top 5 Best Days of My Life, but the surprise alone was fiendishly brilliant and deserves its own post.
The organization, as I understand it, was this: our friends decided to throw Cory and I a shared surprise birthday party. Our good friend William Hines put it all together and decided to play us off each other. I don't know how the plan came together exactly, but Will had to send out three email invites. One to everyone but me saying there's a party for me, another to everyone but Corey saying there's a party for Corey, and a third to everyone but me and Corey saying the party's actually for the both of us.
My favorite part of the surprise was the distraction and delivery to the party. Will, Corey, and I usually get together every Sunday morning, but Will had to reschedule that meeting to Saturday late afternoon to get us in good position for the party. He emailed both Corey and I (separately) saying that two of us would be distracting the other and then bringing that third person to their party, but he'd come up with a lie justify the rescheduling. Knowing that he could say whatever he wanted and we'd both have to agree with it, Will told us that his Grandma Gypsy would be in town for her regional senior's bowling tournament on Sunday morning. The following email conversation ensued:
BEN (to all): While I doubt that your Grandma could have made the community bowling team (I've seen her bowl, and she's no Jake Huggins), I'm up for the change.
WILL (also to all): Watch what you say about my grandma. She was rolling turkeys while Jake Huggins was still bowling with bumpers, in his diapers!
BEN (just to Will): Beautiful. This is too good.
WILL (just to me): I know! The poor bastard has no idea!
Little did I know that I was the poor bastard.
I really wish I was omnipotent during our meeting on Saturday because I would have loved to see Will playing Corey like he was playing me. And I wish I knew what Corey was thinking that whole time. One time when Corey left the room, Will pointed after him and snickered silently, and I'm sure he must have done the same when I left the room. How you kept a straight face through those two hours, Will, I have no idea.
When the time came to leave, I got a call from Sarah (who, I should add, had been playing me just as well as--if not better than--Will for the past few weeks) saying, as we had discussed, that she and Emily just bought a shelf at Ikea and needed help putting it together. I had approved this excuse earlier, thinking Corey would see it as an adequate reason to go to Sarah's house. It worked, but not because Corey was convinced he'd be building a shelf. This part, the part where Corey and I were really playing off each other, is where I really wish I could have been in Will's head. I wonder what he thought when I was convincing Corey not to eat before we left, as we all certainly knew there would be food at the party, but neither Corey not I knew that the other knew it. It's more fun in my mind than it is to read about, though, so I'm sorry.
The arrival was the only awkward part of the night. We got onto Sarah's street, which was full of cars from all the guests--I totally thought that would give it away to Corey, but he didn't even mention it. I also wonder if they planned to save a parking spot for me, because for all the cars, there was still one spot relatively close. We walked up to the house, and I opened the door wide for Corey, but he wouldn't go in, and he probably wondered why I wouldn't go in. Of course, we could both see everyone crouched in the dark, but we didn't know it was partly for us too. Then Will shoved us both in, and we were both very confused until everyone shouted both our names. Corey apparently thought the party was ruined when he was pushed in with me. Oh, what fools we were.
The organization, as I understand it, was this: our friends decided to throw Cory and I a shared surprise birthday party. Our good friend William Hines put it all together and decided to play us off each other. I don't know how the plan came together exactly, but Will had to send out three email invites. One to everyone but me saying there's a party for me, another to everyone but Corey saying there's a party for Corey, and a third to everyone but me and Corey saying the party's actually for the both of us.
My favorite part of the surprise was the distraction and delivery to the party. Will, Corey, and I usually get together every Sunday morning, but Will had to reschedule that meeting to Saturday late afternoon to get us in good position for the party. He emailed both Corey and I (separately) saying that two of us would be distracting the other and then bringing that third person to their party, but he'd come up with a lie justify the rescheduling. Knowing that he could say whatever he wanted and we'd both have to agree with it, Will told us that his Grandma Gypsy would be in town for her regional senior's bowling tournament on Sunday morning. The following email conversation ensued:
BEN (to all): While I doubt that your Grandma could have made the community bowling team (I've seen her bowl, and she's no Jake Huggins), I'm up for the change.
WILL (also to all): Watch what you say about my grandma. She was rolling turkeys while Jake Huggins was still bowling with bumpers, in his diapers!
BEN (just to Will): Beautiful. This is too good.
WILL (just to me): I know! The poor bastard has no idea!
Little did I know that I was the poor bastard.
I really wish I was omnipotent during our meeting on Saturday because I would have loved to see Will playing Corey like he was playing me. And I wish I knew what Corey was thinking that whole time. One time when Corey left the room, Will pointed after him and snickered silently, and I'm sure he must have done the same when I left the room. How you kept a straight face through those two hours, Will, I have no idea.
When the time came to leave, I got a call from Sarah (who, I should add, had been playing me just as well as--if not better than--Will for the past few weeks) saying, as we had discussed, that she and Emily just bought a shelf at Ikea and needed help putting it together. I had approved this excuse earlier, thinking Corey would see it as an adequate reason to go to Sarah's house. It worked, but not because Corey was convinced he'd be building a shelf. This part, the part where Corey and I were really playing off each other, is where I really wish I could have been in Will's head. I wonder what he thought when I was convincing Corey not to eat before we left, as we all certainly knew there would be food at the party, but neither Corey not I knew that the other knew it. It's more fun in my mind than it is to read about, though, so I'm sorry.
The arrival was the only awkward part of the night. We got onto Sarah's street, which was full of cars from all the guests--I totally thought that would give it away to Corey, but he didn't even mention it. I also wonder if they planned to save a parking spot for me, because for all the cars, there was still one spot relatively close. We walked up to the house, and I opened the door wide for Corey, but he wouldn't go in, and he probably wondered why I wouldn't go in. Of course, we could both see everyone crouched in the dark, but we didn't know it was partly for us too. Then Will shoved us both in, and we were both very confused until everyone shouted both our names. Corey apparently thought the party was ruined when he was pushed in with me. Oh, what fools we were.
2.02.2007
More on Groundhog Day, part 2
What if we elected a groundhog for president?
One of the following scenarios would likely occur:
1) Groundhog's administration accomplishes relatively little and is indifferently remembered in American history.
2) Incidents within administration reaches sitcom levels of hilarity, and President Groundhog is impeached for sexual harrassment.
3) Total nuclear holocaust.
4) Groundhog spearheads several important and innovative pieces of legislation, but a Congress controlled by the opposition party refuses to work with him.
5) Groundhog establishes a successful national health care system, requiring a significant tax hike which is thereafter referred to as the Groundhog Tax.
6) Groundhog is assassinated. Vice President Carrot Top is inaugurated and dissolves the union.
7) Puerto Rico becomes 51st state.
One of the following scenarios would likely occur:
1) Groundhog's administration accomplishes relatively little and is indifferently remembered in American history.
2) Incidents within administration reaches sitcom levels of hilarity, and President Groundhog is impeached for sexual harrassment.
3) Total nuclear holocaust.
4) Groundhog spearheads several important and innovative pieces of legislation, but a Congress controlled by the opposition party refuses to work with him.
5) Groundhog establishes a successful national health care system, requiring a significant tax hike which is thereafter referred to as the Groundhog Tax.
6) Groundhog is assassinated. Vice President Carrot Top is inaugurated and dissolves the union.
7) Puerto Rico becomes 51st state.
More on Groundhog Day, part 1
What if groundhogs could raise the dead?
A groundhog necromancer waddles up to the Great Historical Figure Cemetery. He dons his pointy cap with stars (a la "The Sorcerer's Apprentice") and wiggles his hands around in the air at a few graves. He utters some magical-sounding words, and Olympic Gold-Medalist Jesse Owens emerges from the cold ground.
GROUNDHOG: Hey, who are you?
JESSE OWENS: I'm Jesse Owens.
GROUNDHOG: Crap.
JESSE OWENS: Wait a second, wasn't I just dead?
GROUNDHOG: Yes you were. And you're not Batman.
JESSE OWENS: But now I'm alive. How'd that happen?
GROUNDHOG: I'm a groundhog.
JESSE OWENS: Uh huh.
GROUNDHOG: Groundhogs can raise the dead.
JESSE OWENS: No they can't.
GROUNDHOG: Maybe we can't if you're dead, but here we are. You, me, and not Batman.
JESSE OWENS: Who's Batman?
GROUNDHOG: Just the most amazing superhero who's going to beat up everybody who keeps making fun of me.
JESSE OWENS: Do I still have the world record?
Another groundhog walks up with the undead Alexander Hamilton behind him.
GROUNDHOG: Hey, do you know where Batman is?
OTHER GROUNDHOG: No. I was looking for Indiana Jones, but I got stuck with this doofus.
HAMILTON: A penny saved is a penny earned.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: SHUT UP!
FIRST GROUNDHOG: I don't think Indiana Jones is dead, by the way.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: Neither is Batman.
JESSE OWENS: Who's this guy?
HAMILTON: I'm Ben Franklin.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE ALEXANDER HAMILTON!
HAMILTON: Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: Hey, I'm gonna go beat this guy with a shovel. Wanna come?
FIRST GROUNDHOG: Why not. You have two shovels?
OTHER GROUNDHOG: Yep.
A groundhog necromancer waddles up to the Great Historical Figure Cemetery. He dons his pointy cap with stars (a la "The Sorcerer's Apprentice") and wiggles his hands around in the air at a few graves. He utters some magical-sounding words, and Olympic Gold-Medalist Jesse Owens emerges from the cold ground.
GROUNDHOG: Hey, who are you?
JESSE OWENS: I'm Jesse Owens.
GROUNDHOG: Crap.
JESSE OWENS: Wait a second, wasn't I just dead?
GROUNDHOG: Yes you were. And you're not Batman.
JESSE OWENS: But now I'm alive. How'd that happen?
GROUNDHOG: I'm a groundhog.
JESSE OWENS: Uh huh.
GROUNDHOG: Groundhogs can raise the dead.
JESSE OWENS: No they can't.
GROUNDHOG: Maybe we can't if you're dead, but here we are. You, me, and not Batman.
JESSE OWENS: Who's Batman?
GROUNDHOG: Just the most amazing superhero who's going to beat up everybody who keeps making fun of me.
JESSE OWENS: Do I still have the world record?
Another groundhog walks up with the undead Alexander Hamilton behind him.
GROUNDHOG: Hey, do you know where Batman is?
OTHER GROUNDHOG: No. I was looking for Indiana Jones, but I got stuck with this doofus.
HAMILTON: A penny saved is a penny earned.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: SHUT UP!
FIRST GROUNDHOG: I don't think Indiana Jones is dead, by the way.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: Neither is Batman.
JESSE OWENS: Who's this guy?
HAMILTON: I'm Ben Franklin.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE ALEXANDER HAMILTON!
HAMILTON: Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: Hey, I'm gonna go beat this guy with a shovel. Wanna come?
FIRST GROUNDHOG: Why not. You have two shovels?
OTHER GROUNDHOG: Yep.
2.01.2007
Groundhog's Eve
Every year I get excited about Groundhog Day, totally forget about it, and then get really pissed a few days later when I find out the groundhog saw his shadow. It's a routine I've obliged year in and year out.
Not this time.
This year I celebrate Groundhog's Eve by threatening my wrath. Groundhog, if you see your shadow this year, it will be the end of you and your kind.
Don't give me that look, buddy. Your cuteness won't get you off this time. Not like you're actually cute. Those are some ugly buck teeth.
That made you angry, huh? Good. Your mom's got ugly teeth too. And she's fat. Like clown fat. And she sucks at basketball. Then she told me you're a dork.
Yeah, that's it. Let's go. Bring it on. I can take you and your shadow any day. See you in hell, Groundhog.
Not this time.
This year I celebrate Groundhog's Eve by threatening my wrath. Groundhog, if you see your shadow this year, it will be the end of you and your kind.
Don't give me that look, buddy. Your cuteness won't get you off this time. Not like you're actually cute. Those are some ugly buck teeth.
That made you angry, huh? Good. Your mom's got ugly teeth too. And she's fat. Like clown fat. And she sucks at basketball. Then she told me you're a dork.
Yeah, that's it. Let's go. Bring it on. I can take you and your shadow any day. See you in hell, Groundhog.
Humidity
My apartment has been very full of static electricity for the past couple months or so. It's really annoying, and I couldn't think of anything to do about it but wait out the winter. Then somebody suggested getting a humidifier. Then somebody else suggested an even better idea: boiling water.
It's like a homemade humidifier, and it works like a charm! I had two big pots going last night for about an hour, and what a difference! It was like living in the tropics (minus all the good stuff about the tropics)! It cut down on the static right away, and it heated up the apartment at greatly reduced cost, I assume.
It's times like these I'm really grateful that I don't pay for water or heat.
It's like a homemade humidifier, and it works like a charm! I had two big pots going last night for about an hour, and what a difference! It was like living in the tropics (minus all the good stuff about the tropics)! It cut down on the static right away, and it heated up the apartment at greatly reduced cost, I assume.
It's times like these I'm really grateful that I don't pay for water or heat.
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