Teenagers Want To Be Depressed

Today I rolled to work to the tune of Dashboard Confessional. Five to six years ago, that would have been a total party, but today it was just confusing. You see, I'm a generally happy person, and listening to such deliberately depressing music doesn't make sense to me anymore.

Then I discovered why Dashboard is popular. Marketing genius Chris Carrabba realized that the overwhelming majority of teenagers 1) are depressed and 2) like music. From there, he probably thought he could make some music that capitalized on that depression, but he wanted to take it further than that. He figured his music could do more than exploit--it could create a feedback loop. Depressed kids listen to the music and feel more depressed, thus requiring more music. So they buy the albums, come to the shows, and purchase the merchandise. It's a neverending cycle of depressed teenagers and money flowing into Carrabba's blood-stained fists.

Of course, then CC got stupid and decided to make a happy song ("Hands Down"). All the kids woke from their hypnotic stupor, and you haven't heard from Dashboard since.

And that's how emo nearly destroyed America.