I've spent approximately the last 8 hours of my day (that's right; I've been at work since 5am) studying up on the legendary and mythical kings of Britain. I have no idea how I got started on this, but I'm about 76 kings into the list. Amazingly, only 12 of those have any shred of historical accuracy. Which, if we were to look at this from a statistical point of view, means only about 16% of this new knowledge is valid.
No joke.
Here's a few interesting things I've learned about British history that may or may not be true:
-Old King Cole, of nursery rhyme, "merry old soul" fame, is in fact a real person who ruled during Rome's occupation of Britain.
-King Arthur was not the first king of Britain, nor was he the second or third.
-While the British try to name a lot of their cities after dead fake-kings or dead people-who-fought-the-fake-kings, the names never seem to match.
-None of the "kings" had to slay dragons to earn or retain their crowns, but one had to fight a monster that emerged from the Irish Sea. He was killed. By the monster.
12.26.2007
12.24.2007
Working on Christmas Eve
As you might have gathered from the subject line, I am working today, and today is Christmas Eve. You might not have gathered that Christmas Eve is today from the subject line, and I considered changing the subject from "Working on Christmas Eve" to "Working Today, Christmas Eve," but I decided against it. I expect that to be the most weighty decision that I make today.
The thing about working on Christmas Eve is that there's nothing to do (or there better be--I swear, if I have to do any work today--but that's off the subject), which is different than any other day because it means that there's slightly less to do than usual. So, to make sure I fill the time, I'm coming up with a "plan of attack." And you have to read about it.
Or you would have had to read about it, but there's this French guy in the office for some reason, and his accent is incredibly distracting. Why is there a French guy in the office on Christmas Eve? Is that my Christmas present? If so, second-worst Christmas present ever.
The thing about working on Christmas Eve is that there's nothing to do (or there better be--I swear, if I have to do any work today--but that's off the subject), which is different than any other day because it means that there's slightly less to do than usual. So, to make sure I fill the time, I'm coming up with a "plan of attack." And you have to read about it.
Or you would have had to read about it, but there's this French guy in the office for some reason, and his accent is incredibly distracting. Why is there a French guy in the office on Christmas Eve? Is that my Christmas present? If so, second-worst Christmas present ever.
12.21.2007
All I Want for Christmas
Velvet pants.
If I don't get velvet pants for Christmas, somebody's going to pay. They're going to pay for some velvet pants and then give them to me.
I'm not going to buy my own velvet pants. That's embarrassing. I don't want to go into a store and pick out some velvet pants and have everybody think I'm a terrorist or something. I realize that anyone buying me velvet pants would find themselves in a similar situation, but that's not my problem. My problem is my current lack of velvet pants.
I'm only sort of kidding.
If I don't get velvet pants for Christmas, somebody's going to pay. They're going to pay for some velvet pants and then give them to me.
I'm not going to buy my own velvet pants. That's embarrassing. I don't want to go into a store and pick out some velvet pants and have everybody think I'm a terrorist or something. I realize that anyone buying me velvet pants would find themselves in a similar situation, but that's not my problem. My problem is my current lack of velvet pants.
I'm only sort of kidding.
12.20.2007
The Rise & Fall of Corporate America
A Timeline of Events in the History and Future of Coporate America
AD 850 - The continents of North and South America separate from Africa, establishing their own independent (and significantly more prosperous) economy.
AD 1000 - As part of the pagan millenial celebration, Native Americans establish the New York Stock Exchange.
AD 1251 - America's first corporation, Viacom, goes public. American investors still sink all their money in buffalo futures.
AD 1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America and shortly afterward enslaves the entire American workforce, thus establishing the first modern American corporation.
AD early 1600s - British establish colonies in America, but refuse to invest in American business. Buffalo futures plummet.
AD 1773 - Colonial American entrepreneurs establish a business relationship with the Motherland for tea. Outraged, a local band of communists throws the tea into the ocean.
AD 1850s - Buffalo nearly extinct. Buffalo futures crash and most Native American investors go bankrupt. Those who survive with some money invest in Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.
AD 1863 - Slaves freed. CEOs, now forced to pay for their labor, grow large mustaches because they can no longer afford to shave.
AD 1890s - First union established; CEOs shave their mustaches out of defiance.
AD 1920s - Corporations boom for some reason. President Calvin Coolidge hailed as superhero and, among the Eastern European immigrants, supreme overlord.
AD 1929 - Stock market crashes. Everyone goes insane. Office buildings inexplicably burst into flames. Geese fly upside-down. For a period of two weeks, this baby rules the free world:
AD 1990s - A new kind of corporation is born. Slavery made legal again.
AD 2007 - I work for a corporation.
AD 2009 - Giant pandas imported from China for cheap labor. 50% of humans are unemployed.
AD 2010 - Giant pandas, able to reproduce with greater efficiency now that they have job security, turn on humans and take over society.
AD 2012 - First giant panda elected president. Remaining humans cower in fear in caves.
AD 2015 - Giant pandas, drunk on their bloated sense of power, repeal the Clean Air Act. Global warming spins wildly out of control.
AD 2020 - World temperature rises to an average of 135 degrees. United States burns down. Giant pandas decide to stick it out.
AD 2075 - Last giant panda dies of old age. American economy collapses.
AD 850 - The continents of North and South America separate from Africa, establishing their own independent (and significantly more prosperous) economy.
AD 1000 - As part of the pagan millenial celebration, Native Americans establish the New York Stock Exchange.
AD 1251 - America's first corporation, Viacom, goes public. American investors still sink all their money in buffalo futures.
AD 1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America and shortly afterward enslaves the entire American workforce, thus establishing the first modern American corporation.
AD early 1600s - British establish colonies in America, but refuse to invest in American business. Buffalo futures plummet.
AD 1773 - Colonial American entrepreneurs establish a business relationship with the Motherland for tea. Outraged, a local band of communists throws the tea into the ocean.
AD 1850s - Buffalo nearly extinct. Buffalo futures crash and most Native American investors go bankrupt. Those who survive with some money invest in Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.
AD 1863 - Slaves freed. CEOs, now forced to pay for their labor, grow large mustaches because they can no longer afford to shave.
AD 1890s - First union established; CEOs shave their mustaches out of defiance.
AD 1920s - Corporations boom for some reason. President Calvin Coolidge hailed as superhero and, among the Eastern European immigrants, supreme overlord.
AD 1929 - Stock market crashes. Everyone goes insane. Office buildings inexplicably burst into flames. Geese fly upside-down. For a period of two weeks, this baby rules the free world:
AD 1990s - A new kind of corporation is born. Slavery made legal again.
AD 2007 - I work for a corporation.
AD 2009 - Giant pandas imported from China for cheap labor. 50% of humans are unemployed.
AD 2010 - Giant pandas, able to reproduce with greater efficiency now that they have job security, turn on humans and take over society.
AD 2012 - First giant panda elected president. Remaining humans cower in fear in caves.
AD 2015 - Giant pandas, drunk on their bloated sense of power, repeal the Clean Air Act. Global warming spins wildly out of control.
AD 2020 - World temperature rises to an average of 135 degrees. United States burns down. Giant pandas decide to stick it out.
AD 2075 - Last giant panda dies of old age. American economy collapses.
12.19.2007
The Perfect Gift
POST-IT NOTES!!!!!
I was going to talk a little bit about how excited I was to get a bag full of post-it notes last night (and I was really excited), but I'll let the post-it notes speak for themselves.
That Yeti is such a jerk. I'm not going to pay him anything.
I was going to talk a little bit about how excited I was to get a bag full of post-it notes last night (and I was really excited), but I'll let the post-it notes speak for themselves.
That Yeti is such a jerk. I'm not going to pay him anything.
12.18.2007
Christmas Meets Time Travel Meets Unusually Extreme Anxiety
Does anyone else feel like Christmas is coming a week too early this year? Maybe it's just me. Maybe I was the only one who went to sleep on November 30th and woke up on December 10th. How come this never happens to anyone else?
Normally I wouldn't complain about sleeping through a week and a half or getting my ass kicked into next week (as the junior highers like to do), but I desperately needed those days to shop. Or at the very least, I desperately needed them to come up with ideas of stuff to get for my family and friends. But as it stands, I have no ideas, almost no gifts, and a lot of frantic questions (most of them are just variations of "What am I going to do?").
This week isn't even Christmas and I already have problems. Tonight I have to get an ornament for somebody. Sounds easy, right?? Well, it probably is, but I am just about freaking out about it. And then in two days--TWO DAYS--I have to get a present for another person. What is this? Kwanza?
Actually, all this complaining is just because I hate the cold and don't want to get out of my car and walk to a store. I hate the cold SO MUCH!!
Normally I wouldn't complain about sleeping through a week and a half or getting my ass kicked into next week (as the junior highers like to do), but I desperately needed those days to shop. Or at the very least, I desperately needed them to come up with ideas of stuff to get for my family and friends. But as it stands, I have no ideas, almost no gifts, and a lot of frantic questions (most of them are just variations of "What am I going to do?").
This week isn't even Christmas and I already have problems. Tonight I have to get an ornament for somebody. Sounds easy, right?? Well, it probably is, but I am just about freaking out about it. And then in two days--TWO DAYS--I have to get a present for another person. What is this? Kwanza?
Actually, all this complaining is just because I hate the cold and don't want to get out of my car and walk to a store. I hate the cold SO MUCH!!
12.14.2007
Homegrown Tundra
We recently got last month's heating bill for our house, so now we can't afford to heat our house ever again. This morning our thermostat read 59. And it's only going down from there.
Normally I'd be pretty unhappy about this, what with feeling like my blood is freezing, but I'm going to spin this one to the positive. I figure, why resist the frozen floors and the inexplicably accumulating snow? Let's turn this place into a winter fun-place-to-be!
Here's what I envision: a bunch of penguins and a walrus. I toyed with the idea of a beluga whale and a polar bear, but I don't think we could handle that. Before And I'm pretty sure we'll eventually have to kill the walrus and live inside its blubber to keep warm.
This is what it would look like in real life:
(Big props to Christine and her mad MS Paint skillz for coming up with this picture.)
Normally I'd be pretty unhappy about this, what with feeling like my blood is freezing, but I'm going to spin this one to the positive. I figure, why resist the frozen floors and the inexplicably accumulating snow? Let's turn this place into a winter fun-place-to-be!
Here's what I envision: a bunch of penguins and a walrus. I toyed with the idea of a beluga whale and a polar bear, but I don't think we could handle that. Before And I'm pretty sure we'll eventually have to kill the walrus and live inside its blubber to keep warm.
This is what it would look like in real life:
(Big props to Christine and her mad MS Paint skillz for coming up with this picture.)
12.13.2007
Glowing Cats
I don't know how else to introduce this, so I'll just say it. South Korea has cloned cats that glow in the dark.
Here you see the cats in the light, unassuming fuzzy white things, and then you see the cats in the dark, because they glow. It's photographic evidence that these cats glow in the dark.
Can you guys believe this?
And not only do these cats glow in the dark--which still amazes me--but they're also clones. Clearly something went wrong with science in South Korea to inspire not just cloning and not just glowing cats but CLONING GLOWING CATS.
And that's another thing--this happened in South Korea. That's supposed to be the reasonable one.
Lets take a look at those cats again.
This is insane. Absolutely insane.
Are they going to clone more? Cuz I want one.
Here you see the cats in the light, unassuming fuzzy white things, and then you see the cats in the dark, because they glow. It's photographic evidence that these cats glow in the dark.
Can you guys believe this?
And not only do these cats glow in the dark--which still amazes me--but they're also clones. Clearly something went wrong with science in South Korea to inspire not just cloning and not just glowing cats but CLONING GLOWING CATS.
And that's another thing--this happened in South Korea. That's supposed to be the reasonable one.
Lets take a look at those cats again.
This is insane. Absolutely insane.
Are they going to clone more? Cuz I want one.
12.12.2007
Glitter is Everywhere
I don't mean to be a negative Nancy, but I hate glitter. A lot. There is nothing fun about glitter at all. I also hate fireworks, and that's sort of related because fireworks look sort of like glitter, but it ends up being a different story all together.
Today, I got a "gift" from my coworkers here at the local dog factory. This gift, while not literally a box full of glitter, was figuratively a box full of glitter. I open it up, and suddenly there's glitter all over my desk, my hands, and my parents. I even think some of it traveled back in time and got all over some farmer who was standing in the spot where my desk would eventually be.
Normally this would be the kind of disaster that would cause me to burn the building down. But I'm trying to control my arson urges, so instead I drew pictures of penguins and lemurs for a half hour and burned those down.
Did I tell you I worked in a dog factory?
Today, I got a "gift" from my coworkers here at the local dog factory. This gift, while not literally a box full of glitter, was figuratively a box full of glitter. I open it up, and suddenly there's glitter all over my desk, my hands, and my parents. I even think some of it traveled back in time and got all over some farmer who was standing in the spot where my desk would eventually be.
Normally this would be the kind of disaster that would cause me to burn the building down. But I'm trying to control my arson urges, so instead I drew pictures of penguins and lemurs for a half hour and burned those down.
Did I tell you I worked in a dog factory?
12.11.2007
Gorillas vs. Bears
Gorillas win. Bears have a lot going for them, but not nearly enough when compared to gorillas. Let's examine this more closely.
Hairiness
Advantage: Gorillas
While the hairs of bears look pretty nice most of the time, they get really ugly when they get wet. And nothing beats a silverback gorilla. I once saw a bear who painted his back silver, but then he got beat up by a couple otters.
Intellectual Capacity
Advantage: Gorillas
Not that I have any respect for gorillas who learn sign language, and if I went to middle school with them, I'd be more likely to pick on them than on any bears, whether they wore glasses or not. But the fact remains that bears would rather eat people than have an intelligent discussion, and that's not cool enough of the time to make it worthwhile.
Sounds
Advantage: Bears
Bear roar beats gorilla grunt. Bear roar even beats gorilla pounding on its chest ferociously. And this one time I saw a bear do impressions, and his Val Kilmer was hilarious.
Dance contest
Advantage: Gorillas
Bears have a difficult time with multidirectional coordination. They could pull off some OK moves, but nothing too impressive. The gorillas just blew them away--spins, back flips, breaks. The gorillas not only were a lot more fluid, but they had excellent rhythm. Bears must be the white people of the animal kingdom.
Christmas
Advantage: Bears
There are no gorillas in Christmas commercials, but there are tons of bears. A number of Christmas movies are about bears, I think, but there are not about gorillas. And even though giving a gorilla as a Christmas present may be safer, all the kids want bears.
Aviation
Advantage: Gorillas
Neither animal makes for a really succesful pilot, which is probably why the directors of Top Gun used human actors to replace the bears in the original screenplay. But just to be sure, we gave some gorillas and bears a few test runs, and the gorillas were the only ones who didn't crash into cruise ships or oil tankers.
Hairiness
Advantage: Gorillas
While the hairs of bears look pretty nice most of the time, they get really ugly when they get wet. And nothing beats a silverback gorilla. I once saw a bear who painted his back silver, but then he got beat up by a couple otters.
Intellectual Capacity
Advantage: Gorillas
Not that I have any respect for gorillas who learn sign language, and if I went to middle school with them, I'd be more likely to pick on them than on any bears, whether they wore glasses or not. But the fact remains that bears would rather eat people than have an intelligent discussion, and that's not cool enough of the time to make it worthwhile.
Sounds
Advantage: Bears
Bear roar beats gorilla grunt. Bear roar even beats gorilla pounding on its chest ferociously. And this one time I saw a bear do impressions, and his Val Kilmer was hilarious.
Dance contest
Advantage: Gorillas
Bears have a difficult time with multidirectional coordination. They could pull off some OK moves, but nothing too impressive. The gorillas just blew them away--spins, back flips, breaks. The gorillas not only were a lot more fluid, but they had excellent rhythm. Bears must be the white people of the animal kingdom.
Christmas
Advantage: Bears
There are no gorillas in Christmas commercials, but there are tons of bears. A number of Christmas movies are about bears, I think, but there are not about gorillas. And even though giving a gorilla as a Christmas present may be safer, all the kids want bears.
Aviation
Advantage: Gorillas
Neither animal makes for a really succesful pilot, which is probably why the directors of Top Gun used human actors to replace the bears in the original screenplay. But just to be sure, we gave some gorillas and bears a few test runs, and the gorillas were the only ones who didn't crash into cruise ships or oil tankers.
Talking Carrot
CARROT: Hey!
BEN: Where'd you come from?
CARROT: The ground!!!
BEN: Do you need to yell everything?
CARROT: Yes! I'm hardcore!!!
BEN: You're a carrot.
CARROT: True!
BEN: So what are you doing here?
CARROT: I'm here to destroy you!!
BEN: Oh no! Carrots are my only weakness!
CARROT: I know!!!
BEN: I never thought it would end like this.
CARROT: Too bad!!!
BEN: Wait!
CARROT: What?!?!
BEN: Can I have one final request?
CARROT: No!!!
BEN: Then just you wait.
CARROT: Wait, who's that over there?
BEN: Oh that? That's my buddy Thor.
CARROT: Like the Norse God?!?!
BEN: He is the Norse God.
THOR: Hiya.
CARROT: No! Thor is my only weakness!!!
BEN: I know.
(Thor smashes carrot with his hammer)
BEN: Good work, Thor.
THOR: Got any more carrots for me to smash?
BEN: Not right now.
THOR: OK. I'll be inside the walls if you need me.
BEN: Righty-o.
BEN: Where'd you come from?
CARROT: The ground!!!
BEN: Do you need to yell everything?
CARROT: Yes! I'm hardcore!!!
BEN: You're a carrot.
CARROT: True!
BEN: So what are you doing here?
CARROT: I'm here to destroy you!!
BEN: Oh no! Carrots are my only weakness!
CARROT: I know!!!
BEN: I never thought it would end like this.
CARROT: Too bad!!!
BEN: Wait!
CARROT: What?!?!
BEN: Can I have one final request?
CARROT: No!!!
BEN: Then just you wait.
CARROT: Wait, who's that over there?
BEN: Oh that? That's my buddy Thor.
CARROT: Like the Norse God?!?!
BEN: He is the Norse God.
THOR: Hiya.
CARROT: No! Thor is my only weakness!!!
BEN: I know.
(Thor smashes carrot with his hammer)
BEN: Good work, Thor.
THOR: Got any more carrots for me to smash?
BEN: Not right now.
THOR: OK. I'll be inside the walls if you need me.
BEN: Righty-o.
12.10.2007
All-American Christmas
Yesterday, while my roommates and I (mostly my roommates) tackled a monstrosity of dishes, we listened to a few Christmas tunes on the local radio station. Most of them sounded like late-80s/early-90s pop/R&B, the kind that makes you want to rip out your soul, so I wasn't especially enjoying myself.
One of those songs, though, had the weirdest lyric I'd ever heard: "I love Christmas and you and America." I can't confirm that this is actually what they said in the song, but it was close enough.
The weirdest part, though, was that it sounded like he was listing the things he liked in ascending order. Like he loves Christmas a little, he loves you a little bit more, and he loves America more than anything. He got really excited at the America part. Who can blame him for loving his country? I mean, it is a Christmas song, and isn't that was Christmas is really about?
No.
One of those songs, though, had the weirdest lyric I'd ever heard: "I love Christmas and you and America." I can't confirm that this is actually what they said in the song, but it was close enough.
The weirdest part, though, was that it sounded like he was listing the things he liked in ascending order. Like he loves Christmas a little, he loves you a little bit more, and he loves America more than anything. He got really excited at the America part. Who can blame him for loving his country? I mean, it is a Christmas song, and isn't that was Christmas is really about?
No.
12.07.2007
No Sleep 'til Ever Again
I used to love sleep. I would look forward to every nap opportunity. I would sleep past 10 as often as possible. I would yawn and whine about being tired most hours of the day. Sleeping was one of my favorite things to do.
Those days have passed. Now I can't afford to sleep. I'm too busy. I need that sleeping time to...read. Or watch TV. Wow, that's a lot more pathetic than I expected it to sound. But really, it's not like I'd spend all that extra time learning to be an architect or something. Wouldn't that be weird anyway, to be an architect by night? I mean, I'm weird, by not night-architecting weird.
There are some things that might change my mind about sleep. For instance, if sleep made amputated limbs grow back, then I would be all for it. But here I am, sleeping every day, and every morning I wake up without my left arm. Actually, that just happened this morning, and I have no idea how that happened.
I just did the math--I've spent 8 years of my life sleeping. Do you what I could have done with those 8 years? Neither do I, but I'm sure it would have been awesome! Eight whole years! Man, that sucks! And now I don't have an arm!
Those days have passed. Now I can't afford to sleep. I'm too busy. I need that sleeping time to...read. Or watch TV. Wow, that's a lot more pathetic than I expected it to sound. But really, it's not like I'd spend all that extra time learning to be an architect or something. Wouldn't that be weird anyway, to be an architect by night? I mean, I'm weird, by not night-architecting weird.
There are some things that might change my mind about sleep. For instance, if sleep made amputated limbs grow back, then I would be all for it. But here I am, sleeping every day, and every morning I wake up without my left arm. Actually, that just happened this morning, and I have no idea how that happened.
I just did the math--I've spent 8 years of my life sleeping. Do you what I could have done with those 8 years? Neither do I, but I'm sure it would have been awesome! Eight whole years! Man, that sucks! And now I don't have an arm!
12.06.2007
Dead Mouse
Our house has been infested with mice for I don't know how long. Probably since before we moved in. I think they had some mutually benefical arrangement with the past tenants. Not so with us. Even though we haven't been able to do anything about it.
The mouse trap (the only mouse trap) that we've had out for the past two months has produced no results whatsoever. It seemed like the mice were outsmarting us, like they knew we were trying to get them and they knew exactly how to avoid it. It actually makes me respect them a little bit.
Just last night I was going off about that stupid mouse trap. I woke up this morning, walked innocently into the kitchen, made my lunch, and on my way out, I noticed a dead mouse in the middle of my kitchen floor. How I missed it when I walked in or crossed the floor several times, I don't know. But it was there. Dead. Little blood stains and turds around him. This mouse went out with a bang.
What killed him? Corey and I discussed it, and we have our theories. Most likely it was a symbolic killing done by the Colfax Mouse Mafia. At first I thought this was some gallant surrender move, the mouse surrendering to us in his last breath, but that's too simple. You see, most mice would die within the walls, but this job was done to show us roommates that this is just the beginning. The next time it'll be one of us.
The mouse trap (the only mouse trap) that we've had out for the past two months has produced no results whatsoever. It seemed like the mice were outsmarting us, like they knew we were trying to get them and they knew exactly how to avoid it. It actually makes me respect them a little bit.
Just last night I was going off about that stupid mouse trap. I woke up this morning, walked innocently into the kitchen, made my lunch, and on my way out, I noticed a dead mouse in the middle of my kitchen floor. How I missed it when I walked in or crossed the floor several times, I don't know. But it was there. Dead. Little blood stains and turds around him. This mouse went out with a bang.
What killed him? Corey and I discussed it, and we have our theories. Most likely it was a symbolic killing done by the Colfax Mouse Mafia. At first I thought this was some gallant surrender move, the mouse surrendering to us in his last breath, but that's too simple. You see, most mice would die within the walls, but this job was done to show us roommates that this is just the beginning. The next time it'll be one of us.
12.05.2007
Winter: Uncensored
A conversation with Old Man Winter.
BEN: Is this some kind of joke?
WINTER: What?
BEN: Don't play dumb with me!
WINTER: What did you say?
BEN: I said you're a jerk!
WINTER: What?
BEN: You're a jerk!!
WINTER: What was that?
BEN: Are you deaf?
WINTER: What?
BEN: Are you deaf?
WINTER: What?
BEN: Oh, you are deaf.
WINTER: Did you say something?
BEN: Wow. I had no idea. I'm sorry.
WINTER: What?
BEN: It's not like that's an excuse though.
WINTER: Huh?
BEN: You still shouldn't go around ruining everybody's life.
WINTER: What?
BEN: How about I kick you in the shins in Morse Code?
WINTER: What are you talking about?
BEN: Oh, right. I don't know Morse Code.
WINTER: Where's my ear horn?
BEN: What's an ear horn?
WINTER: What?
BEN: This interview is over.
WINTER: What?
BEN: Is this some kind of joke?
WINTER: What?
BEN: Don't play dumb with me!
WINTER: What did you say?
BEN: I said you're a jerk!
WINTER: What?
BEN: You're a jerk!!
WINTER: What was that?
BEN: Are you deaf?
WINTER: What?
BEN: Are you deaf?
WINTER: What?
BEN: Oh, you are deaf.
WINTER: Did you say something?
BEN: Wow. I had no idea. I'm sorry.
WINTER: What?
BEN: It's not like that's an excuse though.
WINTER: Huh?
BEN: You still shouldn't go around ruining everybody's life.
WINTER: What?
BEN: How about I kick you in the shins in Morse Code?
WINTER: What are you talking about?
BEN: Oh, right. I don't know Morse Code.
WINTER: Where's my ear horn?
BEN: What's an ear horn?
WINTER: What?
BEN: This interview is over.
WINTER: What?
12.04.2007
The Cost of Convenience
I work on the second floor at my building, and thankfully, there's a parking lot right outside my entrance. I love having a parking lot so close by because it means I get leave faster and waste less time in the elevators. The only thing that would make sure I got out of here faster is if my driver's door worked.
So today I parked on the second floor lot as per usual, and just now I noticed that my car is completely covered with snow, along with the rest of the surface of the earth. Now I'll have to spend a bunch of time brushing the snow off my car instead of driving home like a movie star.
You know what I wish? I wish that the snow on my car was actually a polar bear-skin rug. That way I'd look really badass with a snarling polar bear face above my windshield and clawed hands defending my doors. And maybe he'd come to life and we'd have crazy Artic adventures! And I wouldn't have to brush any stupid snow.
So today I parked on the second floor lot as per usual, and just now I noticed that my car is completely covered with snow, along with the rest of the surface of the earth. Now I'll have to spend a bunch of time brushing the snow off my car instead of driving home like a movie star.
You know what I wish? I wish that the snow on my car was actually a polar bear-skin rug. That way I'd look really badass with a snarling polar bear face above my windshield and clawed hands defending my doors. And maybe he'd come to life and we'd have crazy Artic adventures! And I wouldn't have to brush any stupid snow.
Hoop Dreams
Most of you don't know this about me, but it's been my dream since childhood to be the NBA MVP. Year after year I get denied, and it's starting to get discouraging. But people keep saying that LeBron James still hasn't hit his prime, and he's only 22. So maybe since I'm two years older than him, I'm just hitting my prime. That's right, this is gonna be my year.
Some of the more sensible among you might tell me that my chances are slim because I'm not actually in the NBA. And then there may be some of you who have played basketball with me before who would point out that I'm in no way competitive at level of the game, due to my poor endurance, sub-.100 shooting percentage, and atrocious ball-handling skills. But if I let that stuff get to me, I'd never have a chance.
The thing that sets me apart from the rest of this year's MVP candidates is my winning attitude. But in case they have a winning attitude too, I have a better Plan B. While Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, and LeBron might rely on their skills and team-first style of play, they won't see me coming when I kidnap them and chain them in my sub-basement. And I'm willing to imprison as many NBA stars as I have to, even if me and Mark Madsen are the only people left in the whole league.
The trophy is as good as mine. Maybe I'll make my first all-star team too.
Some of the more sensible among you might tell me that my chances are slim because I'm not actually in the NBA. And then there may be some of you who have played basketball with me before who would point out that I'm in no way competitive at level of the game, due to my poor endurance, sub-.100 shooting percentage, and atrocious ball-handling skills. But if I let that stuff get to me, I'd never have a chance.
The thing that sets me apart from the rest of this year's MVP candidates is my winning attitude. But in case they have a winning attitude too, I have a better Plan B. While Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, and LeBron might rely on their skills and team-first style of play, they won't see me coming when I kidnap them and chain them in my sub-basement. And I'm willing to imprison as many NBA stars as I have to, even if me and Mark Madsen are the only people left in the whole league.
The trophy is as good as mine. Maybe I'll make my first all-star team too.
11.30.2007
Science Part II: The Revenge
Science and I have this thing. Most people don't understand our relationship, and that's OK. If there's one thing I've learned from this vain life, it's that you'll never understand science. Especially not his cruel sense of humor.
It all started in 8th grade when we had a lesson on the weather in science class. I didn't know the answer, so my friend and I agreed to cheat off each other. Turns out Science took offense at that, so he killed my friend with a model of the solar system. What's worse, he tried to frame me for the murder. Lucky for me there were a bunch of witnesses who saw him do it. But I guess Science has diplomatic immunity for some reason and can't be prosecuted for anything in the United States.
Of course, I had to get him back. The next winter, I went to his house on a really cold night and sprayed the house with a hose for about 6 hours. It was so worth it. The whole thing got covered in ice, and it was so thick he could barely open his door. I heard later that the structure was permanently damaged and he could never heat his house properly after that. I guess he was just renting that place, but whatever.
There was a long series of pranks over the next few years, but after the death toll reached somewhere around 20, we realized that we had let our egos get out of control. It wasn't about the irony anymore. It was about the sheer thrill of breaking the law and not getting caught. We made a truce, he moved to Morocco, and we figured that would be that.
So imagine my surprise when I get out to my car this morning and find that the water bottle I left in there overnight was now completely frozen. That's the hand of science if I've ever seen it. Not to mention that my car was upside down, it said "SCIENCE RULZ" on my car door, and there were a half dozen dead bodies in my trunk. As much as I hated taking the bus today and almost getting peed on while I waited for it, that's a great prank.
It all started in 8th grade when we had a lesson on the weather in science class. I didn't know the answer, so my friend and I agreed to cheat off each other. Turns out Science took offense at that, so he killed my friend with a model of the solar system. What's worse, he tried to frame me for the murder. Lucky for me there were a bunch of witnesses who saw him do it. But I guess Science has diplomatic immunity for some reason and can't be prosecuted for anything in the United States.
Of course, I had to get him back. The next winter, I went to his house on a really cold night and sprayed the house with a hose for about 6 hours. It was so worth it. The whole thing got covered in ice, and it was so thick he could barely open his door. I heard later that the structure was permanently damaged and he could never heat his house properly after that. I guess he was just renting that place, but whatever.
There was a long series of pranks over the next few years, but after the death toll reached somewhere around 20, we realized that we had let our egos get out of control. It wasn't about the irony anymore. It was about the sheer thrill of breaking the law and not getting caught. We made a truce, he moved to Morocco, and we figured that would be that.
So imagine my surprise when I get out to my car this morning and find that the water bottle I left in there overnight was now completely frozen. That's the hand of science if I've ever seen it. Not to mention that my car was upside down, it said "SCIENCE RULZ" on my car door, and there were a half dozen dead bodies in my trunk. As much as I hated taking the bus today and almost getting peed on while I waited for it, that's a great prank.
11.29.2007
No More Presidents
The Republican debate was on last night, and it was disappointing. Whatever happened to the stunt competition? And the Parade of Candidates? Petting zoo? Campaigns just aren't fun anymore.
The debate taught my friends and me a few things about politics, though. Or I guess it didn't teach us this stuff--we mostly inferred it from what we thought was happening.
1. VP stands for Vampire President. I don't know if that means our VPs are vampires themselves or if they just have authority over the vampires. Either way, they still mean nothing to me.
2. Men love torture. Thanks to CNN's breakthroughs in polling technology, we got to see a second-by-second graph of the audience's reactions to the debate. They broke it down by gender. When somebody said that he opposed torture, the "men" line went down at least two points. I'm guessing that a significant portion of the guys were disappointed to learn that they were not watching 24.
3. Not voting is better than voting. Let's get serious, people. This government charade has gone on long enough. We don't want anybody to be president for the next four years. Elect nobody! Don't vote or die!
4. Anderson Cooper is not running for president. Or maybe he is. I really couldn't tell.
5. Names matter. We didn't know the names of half the people on that stage. This isn't a low-budget indie film, America. We need name recognition. Star power. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's all we need. Don't tell me about how you saved that war memorial--just yell your name at me a few times.
The debate taught my friends and me a few things about politics, though. Or I guess it didn't teach us this stuff--we mostly inferred it from what we thought was happening.
1. VP stands for Vampire President. I don't know if that means our VPs are vampires themselves or if they just have authority over the vampires. Either way, they still mean nothing to me.
2. Men love torture. Thanks to CNN's breakthroughs in polling technology, we got to see a second-by-second graph of the audience's reactions to the debate. They broke it down by gender. When somebody said that he opposed torture, the "men" line went down at least two points. I'm guessing that a significant portion of the guys were disappointed to learn that they were not watching 24.
3. Not voting is better than voting. Let's get serious, people. This government charade has gone on long enough. We don't want anybody to be president for the next four years. Elect nobody! Don't vote or die!
4. Anderson Cooper is not running for president. Or maybe he is. I really couldn't tell.
5. Names matter. We didn't know the names of half the people on that stage. This isn't a low-budget indie film, America. We need name recognition. Star power. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's all we need. Don't tell me about how you saved that war memorial--just yell your name at me a few times.
Split Personalities
Employable Ben is back! Just like the real Ben before him!
Looks like we're in for a good mystery in the life of Employable Ben. I should know. Because it's me.
Looks like we're in for a good mystery in the life of Employable Ben. I should know. Because it's me.
11.28.2007
A World Gone Wrong
The United Nations just released its Human Development Index (and I would link to it, but I don't feel like linking anything today). Apparently, this ranks countries on how desirable it is to live there. The major criteria seem to be real estate values and the percent of the population with mad cow disease. Just like everything else the UN does, I don't understand it.
I'm going to avoid the majority of the innumerable absurdities of this list (People prefer Canada over Ireland? Has the whole world gone insane?) and jump straight to Africa. As if the continent didn't have it bad enough already, now it's statistically documented that it's the worst place to live in the world. Heck, if they rated the sun as a place to live, Africa would still lose. There's no AIDS epidemic on the sun.
What's weirdest, though, is the bizarre nationalism that every country takes up in response to this. Nigeria's newspaper has a headline declaring that Nigeria ranks 158th (out of something like 175), which is one step up from last year. The Malta Independent touts Malta's 34 ranking, and the article's a lot more self-important about it than Nigeria's (understandably, I guess). Nepal's headline announced it's 142 spot, but it saves face by justifying it's 6-place drop as a "statistical adjustment."
I just wasted everybody's time, didn't I?
I'm going to avoid the majority of the innumerable absurdities of this list (People prefer Canada over Ireland? Has the whole world gone insane?) and jump straight to Africa. As if the continent didn't have it bad enough already, now it's statistically documented that it's the worst place to live in the world. Heck, if they rated the sun as a place to live, Africa would still lose. There's no AIDS epidemic on the sun.
What's weirdest, though, is the bizarre nationalism that every country takes up in response to this. Nigeria's newspaper has a headline declaring that Nigeria ranks 158th (out of something like 175), which is one step up from last year. The Malta Independent touts Malta's 34 ranking, and the article's a lot more self-important about it than Nigeria's (understandably, I guess). Nepal's headline announced it's 142 spot, but it saves face by justifying it's 6-place drop as a "statistical adjustment."
I just wasted everybody's time, didn't I?
Gingerbread House
I just ate some delicious gingerbread cake and gingersnaps, and never have I been so glad that I do not live in a gingerbread house. The nice thing about living in a house made of whatever it is real houses are made of is that they can't be eaten.
Not that I would eat an edible house. I would just be worried that it wouldn't hold up in the elements. The rain would corrode the walls, and the roof would leak like crazy. I can't imagine it'd retain heat very well even with the cotton candy insulation. I can see why that crazy lady from Hansel and Gretel wanted to build her house out of baked children.
Let's be honest, though. If I didn't eat my house, the dogs would. So I would most definitely eat it. That'll show those stupid dogs who's boss.
Not that I would eat an edible house. I would just be worried that it wouldn't hold up in the elements. The rain would corrode the walls, and the roof would leak like crazy. I can't imagine it'd retain heat very well even with the cotton candy insulation. I can see why that crazy lady from Hansel and Gretel wanted to build her house out of baked children.
Let's be honest, though. If I didn't eat my house, the dogs would. So I would most definitely eat it. That'll show those stupid dogs who's boss.
11.27.2007
The Ice Age
There are only two or three things I hate more than cold, and I can only remember one of them right now (it's Starship). Today the cold is making a move to take over that top spot. This is nature's payback for the groundhog not seeing his shadow last February.
On freezing days like these, people like to laugh at Al Gore for this whole "global warming" hoo ha. I have no problem with laughter, but we have a serious problem here, and it has nothing to do with the planet getting warmer. Or maybe it does. How would I know? I'm no Paul Douglas.
Enough talk. People are freezing to death. Check out what happened to this cowboy I know:
We need to look at how people survived the Ice Age or there's no way that we'll make it through this week. I'm gonna get my hands on as many woolly elephant pelts as I can find and hole up in that igloo until April. I'll see you in the spring, or, assuming one of us doesn't make it, never again.
On freezing days like these, people like to laugh at Al Gore for this whole "global warming" hoo ha. I have no problem with laughter, but we have a serious problem here, and it has nothing to do with the planet getting warmer. Or maybe it does. How would I know? I'm no Paul Douglas.
Enough talk. People are freezing to death. Check out what happened to this cowboy I know:
We need to look at how people survived the Ice Age or there's no way that we'll make it through this week. I'm gonna get my hands on as many woolly elephant pelts as I can find and hole up in that igloo until April. I'll see you in the spring, or, assuming one of us doesn't make it, never again.
11.26.2007
5-0-0
I'm pretty sure this is post 500. That's not really a testament to anything. I know a lot of people who've posted more times than that. Good for them. So what distinguishes me from the rest of the pack?
A 500 ft monument.
Or it will distinguish me once it's finished. The slaves have been quite a bit behind schedule, what with the early winter. I think they're taking me less seriously as a slave-driver since I never follow through on my threats to take away their breakfast. I can't help that I love making pancakes!
Here's a picture of the site.
Just imagine an enormous statue of 60 penguins stacked on top of each other right where those haystacks are.
A 500 ft monument.
Or it will distinguish me once it's finished. The slaves have been quite a bit behind schedule, what with the early winter. I think they're taking me less seriously as a slave-driver since I never follow through on my threats to take away their breakfast. I can't help that I love making pancakes!
Here's a picture of the site.
Just imagine an enormous statue of 60 penguins stacked on top of each other right where those haystacks are.
Et Tu, Alarm Clock?
This weekend was great in at least one way: sleeping in for four straight days. Not one day did I wake up before 9. It was, to put it modestly, excellent in every imaginable way. Sleeping in is like winning 20 gold medals in a single Olympics. It's like being elected president of every prosperous nation and never having to deal with any problems. It's like living on the moon, if the moon was a lush paradise of a planet instead of a harsh, deadly wasteland.
But with every long weekend comes the inevitable Monday (or in the case of Memorial Day, the inevitable Tuesday), and that Monday is today. I knew it was coming, and I thought I was prepared. But I did not expect my horrid alarm clock to go off. By the second shrill beep, my spirit was crushed. It was as if God was sounding the trumpet of Judgment Day. Actually, it wasn't like that at all, but I was really annoyed that I had to get up about 3 hours earlier than I had any of the past four days.
So now I don't have an alarm clock anymore. That's right, I smashed it. I would say I have no regrets, but that line is taken. Plus I have several regrets.
But with every long weekend comes the inevitable Monday (or in the case of Memorial Day, the inevitable Tuesday), and that Monday is today. I knew it was coming, and I thought I was prepared. But I did not expect my horrid alarm clock to go off. By the second shrill beep, my spirit was crushed. It was as if God was sounding the trumpet of Judgment Day. Actually, it wasn't like that at all, but I was really annoyed that I had to get up about 3 hours earlier than I had any of the past four days.
So now I don't have an alarm clock anymore. That's right, I smashed it. I would say I have no regrets, but that line is taken. Plus I have several regrets.
11.21.2007
Invisible Thanksgiving
This morning, my friend Lee and I got together for breakfast. We mostly talked about invisibility. We both concluded that we wanted to be invisible for Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, since Thanksgiving is less than 30 hours away, I don't have enough time to bake my traditional invisibility turkey. Somebody suggested deep frying it, but deep-fried invisibility turkey doesn't work. Well, the invisibility part works, but the deep frier does something to the formula that makes you really sick. So you'll end up being invisible by the toilet all day, which is definitely not as much fun as being invisible at the zoo or Cuba.
So to be invisible this Thanksgiving, I'm going to have to go use some more primitive methods. Either I need to swallow ten to twenty pounds of tin foil, or I need to beat a 5-foot-3, 165-pound living retired Mongolian basketball player in a game of chess. I should probably do both just to be safe.
Unfortunately, since Thanksgiving is less than 30 hours away, I don't have enough time to bake my traditional invisibility turkey. Somebody suggested deep frying it, but deep-fried invisibility turkey doesn't work. Well, the invisibility part works, but the deep frier does something to the formula that makes you really sick. So you'll end up being invisible by the toilet all day, which is definitely not as much fun as being invisible at the zoo or Cuba.
So to be invisible this Thanksgiving, I'm going to have to go use some more primitive methods. Either I need to swallow ten to twenty pounds of tin foil, or I need to beat a 5-foot-3, 165-pound living retired Mongolian basketball player in a game of chess. I should probably do both just to be safe.
11.20.2007
The Best Movie of the Century
I would have said the best movie of the millenium, and it would have meant the same thing, but that seemed like an overstatement.
No, I am not talking about Napoleon Dynamite. I am also not talking about Titanic, as that came out in the previous century. I am talking about Southland Tales.
This is not a film for everyone. It is especially not for people who only like good movies. It is also not for people who only like movies that make sense. Furthermore, it stars The Rock, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Stifler.
How can I label such a film "the Best Movie of the Century"? I don't know. But I have to. Some people might compare this movie to a train wreck, but a train wreck is an ugly disaster. This movie is more like a fire in a Beverly Hills penthouse. It's destroying all the expensive, beautiful things and people, and in a way, that's more beautiful than the penthouse was before.
I highly suggest you see this movie, but I take no responsibility for that recommendation.
No, I am not talking about Napoleon Dynamite. I am also not talking about Titanic, as that came out in the previous century. I am talking about Southland Tales.
This is not a film for everyone. It is especially not for people who only like good movies. It is also not for people who only like movies that make sense. Furthermore, it stars The Rock, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Stifler.
How can I label such a film "the Best Movie of the Century"? I don't know. But I have to. Some people might compare this movie to a train wreck, but a train wreck is an ugly disaster. This movie is more like a fire in a Beverly Hills penthouse. It's destroying all the expensive, beautiful things and people, and in a way, that's more beautiful than the penthouse was before.
I highly suggest you see this movie, but I take no responsibility for that recommendation.
11.19.2007
All Y'all Whack Emcees
Here's a song I wrote while listening to a guy sing songs that I wished were all about whack emcees. It's called "All Y'all Whack Emcees (Don't Get It (But That's OK))."
All y'all whack emcees, listen up to what I have to say.
In the game of hip hop, there is only one way to play.
And there are also some other ways, and I can dig them too,
And then there's you, oh yeah, you play the whack way.
Hey there, whack emcees. You're whack.
Whack. Wiggity whack. Wiggity wiggity whack.
Y'all whack emcees don't get it, but that's OK.
Everybody keeps hating on you whack emcees, all right.
They're up there on stage hating on you every night.
And they're not whack, oh no, they're not whack at all.
But you are, apparently, oh yeah, oh yeah, whack emcees.
Wiggity wiggity whack.
Wiggity wiggity whack.
All y'all whack emcees don't get it, oh yeah.
Y'all don't get it, and I guess that's OK.
Oh, y'all whack emcees, you oughtta wise up some.
The other rappers be hating you because you're so dumb.
You need to be loved just like the rest of us,
So you shold probably stop being a whack emcee right now.
Oh, y'all whack emcees,
You're so whack, a-wiggity wiggity.
Y'all whack emcees,
You don't get it, and it's not OK anymore.
Hey now, let's slow it down.
One day you whack emcees gonna grow up,
Y'all gonna be daddies, gonna have babies,
And then it ain't gonna be such a great idea
To pour champagne all over those laides.
Gonna have to take care of your babies,
Gonna have to get a real job, ooooh ooooh!
Better let go of that mike and hold your baby,
Cuz rocking that mike won't feed your baby.
Holding that mike and not your baby,
Your baby's gonna be a whack emcee like you!
All y'all whack emcees, listen up to what I have to say.
In the game of hip hop, there is only one way to play.
And there are also some other ways, and I can dig them too,
And then there's you, oh yeah, you play the whack way.
Hey there, whack emcees. You're whack.
Whack. Wiggity whack. Wiggity wiggity whack.
Y'all whack emcees don't get it, but that's OK.
Everybody keeps hating on you whack emcees, all right.
They're up there on stage hating on you every night.
And they're not whack, oh no, they're not whack at all.
But you are, apparently, oh yeah, oh yeah, whack emcees.
Wiggity wiggity whack.
Wiggity wiggity whack.
All y'all whack emcees don't get it, oh yeah.
Y'all don't get it, and I guess that's OK.
Oh, y'all whack emcees, you oughtta wise up some.
The other rappers be hating you because you're so dumb.
You need to be loved just like the rest of us,
So you shold probably stop being a whack emcee right now.
Oh, y'all whack emcees,
You're so whack, a-wiggity wiggity.
Y'all whack emcees,
You don't get it, and it's not OK anymore.
Hey now, let's slow it down.
One day you whack emcees gonna grow up,
Y'all gonna be daddies, gonna have babies,
And then it ain't gonna be such a great idea
To pour champagne all over those laides.
Gonna have to take care of your babies,
Gonna have to get a real job, ooooh ooooh!
Better let go of that mike and hold your baby,
Cuz rocking that mike won't feed your baby.
Holding that mike and not your baby,
Your baby's gonna be a whack emcee like you!
11.16.2007
Vitamin-C-Induced Hallucinations
I'm about to take a serious overdose of Vitamin C. About 1,000 miligrams. That's one whole gram. Hopefully, this will prevent me from getting sick. But the main reason I'm having it is because I'm bored and I'm hoping it'll make the last hour more interesting. Here goes.
10 minutes later...
On the walk to the copier, my legs felt long and stretchy. I imagined myself wearing one of those tall, striped hats. The copier itself, however, was less than thrilling. It produced the 36 copies I asked for in excellent form. Now that I'm back at my desk, I feel slightly less fulfilled than before.
2 minutes after that...
I've discovered numerous mistakes that I've made before I took the vitamin C. It would seem that I am actually a more effective employee under the influence. However, I refuse to correct any of those mistakes.
Also, vitamin C does not make my hands any less cold and dry. Does this building have heat? No wonder I'm getting a cold.
15 additional minutes later...
If I ever quit this job, I've got to go out with a bang. So here's the plan. My last day, I'm gonna make three or four different fake treasure maps and give them to my coworkers. And I'll give 'em a note that explains how you have to decipher a series of clues to get to the treasure, but when you find it, you have to dig it up because it's buried. And while they're out hunting for the fake treasure, I'll take everything that's in alphabetical order and mix it up. Then I'll see what I can do about filling the office with llamas and balloons.
30 minutes into the future from now...
I'll fall asleep while driving on some side street and coast to a stop in the middle of an intersection right in front of the local marching band. Hopefully they'll carry me home in their tubas.
10 minutes later...
On the walk to the copier, my legs felt long and stretchy. I imagined myself wearing one of those tall, striped hats. The copier itself, however, was less than thrilling. It produced the 36 copies I asked for in excellent form. Now that I'm back at my desk, I feel slightly less fulfilled than before.
2 minutes after that...
I've discovered numerous mistakes that I've made before I took the vitamin C. It would seem that I am actually a more effective employee under the influence. However, I refuse to correct any of those mistakes.
Also, vitamin C does not make my hands any less cold and dry. Does this building have heat? No wonder I'm getting a cold.
15 additional minutes later...
If I ever quit this job, I've got to go out with a bang. So here's the plan. My last day, I'm gonna make three or four different fake treasure maps and give them to my coworkers. And I'll give 'em a note that explains how you have to decipher a series of clues to get to the treasure, but when you find it, you have to dig it up because it's buried. And while they're out hunting for the fake treasure, I'll take everything that's in alphabetical order and mix it up. Then I'll see what I can do about filling the office with llamas and balloons.
30 minutes into the future from now...
I'll fall asleep while driving on some side street and coast to a stop in the middle of an intersection right in front of the local marching band. Hopefully they'll carry me home in their tubas.
Get Low
I am shrinking. Well, not shrinking, but getting shorter. Shrinking implies that I'm getting smaller all around, but I'm only losing height. That's totally different. And I guess shrinking also implies that it's a continuing thing, but that's not true either. This was a one-time, two-inches-shorter-than-I-used-to-be deal.
Actually, maybe the world is just getting bigger than me. No, that's not it, because when I stop slouching the world goes back to its regular size. I guess it's better not to slouch--I don't want back problems. I'll need to be able to stand up as straight as possible so that no one notices I'm short now.
Next time you see me, try not to act surprised. I'm really sensitive about this.
Actually, maybe the world is just getting bigger than me. No, that's not it, because when I stop slouching the world goes back to its regular size. I guess it's better not to slouch--I don't want back problems. I'll need to be able to stand up as straight as possible so that no one notices I'm short now.
Next time you see me, try not to act surprised. I'm really sensitive about this.
11.15.2007
An Independent Vermont
Vermont has officially dropped more than 10 places on my list of the 50 states in order of favorites. It now resides at #41, between Idaho and Utah. Why?
About a month ago I heard that Vermont wanted to secede from the union. That's definitely one of the most absurd ideas I've ever heard. You're fed up with corporations and the Iraq War, so you're going to secede? Seriously? Vermont is like the Liberia of the U.S.--war torn, unable to sustain itself economically or politically, notorious for human rights violations, and greatly lacking in airports. Knowing that, they're still willing to make a go of it? Moronic as it seems, we may as well let them give it a shot. It'd be fun to watch.
Within one year as an idependent nation, Montpelier will be ashes and rubble, and the people will be forced to live in abandoned department stores. Then there'll be the drug trafficking, the arms build-up, the stray animals and rampant disease. It'll all lead up to the pathetic low of an alliance with Canada.
If I were New Hampshire, I'd be scared out of my mind.
About a month ago I heard that Vermont wanted to secede from the union. That's definitely one of the most absurd ideas I've ever heard. You're fed up with corporations and the Iraq War, so you're going to secede? Seriously? Vermont is like the Liberia of the U.S.--war torn, unable to sustain itself economically or politically, notorious for human rights violations, and greatly lacking in airports. Knowing that, they're still willing to make a go of it? Moronic as it seems, we may as well let them give it a shot. It'd be fun to watch.
Within one year as an idependent nation, Montpelier will be ashes and rubble, and the people will be forced to live in abandoned department stores. Then there'll be the drug trafficking, the arms build-up, the stray animals and rampant disease. It'll all lead up to the pathetic low of an alliance with Canada.
If I were New Hampshire, I'd be scared out of my mind.
11.14.2007
In Shirt Form
Anybody remember The Hidden Temple? I barely do. It was some Nickelodeon show where kids talked with a giant Aztec idol and fell in water and covered in dirt. It was a great show, I guess, and now it's available in shirt form.
I know I'm going to get one, but I can't decide if I should get more than one. I'm pretty sure I rooted for all of the teams (except the green one--why would you have a green team in the jungle? The jungle is already green!) when the show was on TV, but which was my favorite? The Purple Parrots? I don't think I could wear purple.
You wanna know how I came across this? One of those gmail ads. Apparently, gmail thought Hidden Temple T-shirts had some connection to a discussion about small group. But it's not like we weren't talking about the Hidden Temple. Wait; no, it is exactly like that.
EDIT: Check this out. This is how cool these shirts are.
I know I'm going to get one, but I can't decide if I should get more than one. I'm pretty sure I rooted for all of the teams (except the green one--why would you have a green team in the jungle? The jungle is already green!) when the show was on TV, but which was my favorite? The Purple Parrots? I don't think I could wear purple.
You wanna know how I came across this? One of those gmail ads. Apparently, gmail thought Hidden Temple T-shirts had some connection to a discussion about small group. But it's not like we weren't talking about the Hidden Temple. Wait; no, it is exactly like that.
EDIT: Check this out. This is how cool these shirts are.
11.13.2007
Dear Nintendo Wii
Dear People Enslaved by Nintendo Wii,
I'm sure you guys get a lot of fan mail about how awesome the Wii is, but I won't bore you with the nonsensical ravings I'm sure you've read before. To be honest, I've never even met a Wii in person, but please do me the kindness of listening to my story.
About six months ago, Guitar Hero II ruined my life, and I haven't played video games since. I spent a month in rehab and another month in the gutter before I finally pulled myself together. As with all people in recovery, I'm always capable of relapse, so I avoid games as much as I can.
However, as a friend told me about Wii Sports, it occurred to me that the Wii could offer the perfect game to allow me to play games without relapsing--a video gamer's O'Doul's, if you will. I call this game Wii Chores. Players can have the options of raking leaves, sweeping the floor, making the bed, folding laundry. The possibilities are endless! It gives all the satisfaction of doing something productive without actually doing any of the work!
I hope that you take me seriously.
Sincerely,
Roboben
I'm sure you guys get a lot of fan mail about how awesome the Wii is, but I won't bore you with the nonsensical ravings I'm sure you've read before. To be honest, I've never even met a Wii in person, but please do me the kindness of listening to my story.
About six months ago, Guitar Hero II ruined my life, and I haven't played video games since. I spent a month in rehab and another month in the gutter before I finally pulled myself together. As with all people in recovery, I'm always capable of relapse, so I avoid games as much as I can.
However, as a friend told me about Wii Sports, it occurred to me that the Wii could offer the perfect game to allow me to play games without relapsing--a video gamer's O'Doul's, if you will. I call this game Wii Chores. Players can have the options of raking leaves, sweeping the floor, making the bed, folding laundry. The possibilities are endless! It gives all the satisfaction of doing something productive without actually doing any of the work!
I hope that you take me seriously.
Sincerely,
Roboben
11.12.2007
The End of Innocence
Two of my good friends over at the Pop Culture Blogulator got married this weekend. It was a doozy of a party, and since I'm 70 years old and a baby, I got tired and left early. But I did get to dance twice, which is the second-most times I've ever danced in one evening.
The weird thing about a wedding, though, is that it's the beginning of a marriage. Most people forget that. A wedding isn't just a dress-up party; it's the union of two souls in one common purpose of uniting against the ever-growing army of the undead. That's what I like most about weddings. They consecrate for us two new warriors for the cause of humanity.
Congrats, Mark and Brigitte, and may God be with you and your fellow marrieds on the battlefields of the damned!
(But seriously, congratulations. Really.)
The weird thing about a wedding, though, is that it's the beginning of a marriage. Most people forget that. A wedding isn't just a dress-up party; it's the union of two souls in one common purpose of uniting against the ever-growing army of the undead. That's what I like most about weddings. They consecrate for us two new warriors for the cause of humanity.
Congrats, Mark and Brigitte, and may God be with you and your fellow marrieds on the battlefields of the damned!
(But seriously, congratulations. Really.)
11.09.2007
Lava for Everyone
I'm pretty sure the local volcano erupted this morning. I was driving to work and noticed a bunch of ash flakes flying past the cars. Somebody said it was probably snow, but whoever said that is an idiot.
Thankfully, I haven't seen any lava, so I assume it's all flowing in the opposite direction. Sucks to be Chanhassen, I guess. Maybe they should take a lesson from Jimmy Buffett:
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know where I'm-a gonna go
When the volcano blow.
The man is thinking ahead, at least. That's one up on Chanhassen. And who's the one burning in a deluge of melted rock? It's not Jimmy Buffett, that's for sure.
Thankfully, I haven't seen any lava, so I assume it's all flowing in the opposite direction. Sucks to be Chanhassen, I guess. Maybe they should take a lesson from Jimmy Buffett:
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know where I'm-a gonna go
When the volcano blow.
The man is thinking ahead, at least. That's one up on Chanhassen. And who's the one burning in a deluge of melted rock? It's not Jimmy Buffett, that's for sure.
11.08.2007
A World Without Pockets
Hey Everybody,
What if there were no pockets?
Really think about it for a second.
By now you realize what an integral invention the pocket really is. Perhaps more important than the wheel or the printing press. My pockets give me places to hold my wallet, cell phone, and keys. They give young lovers places to put each other's hands so they can discreetly pinch one another's butts. They're altogether miraculous.
If there were no pockets, we would not have money because no one would have any place to put their cash. Instead we would exchange physical beatings for goods and services. A black eye would buy a new blender or toaster. Two broken ribs would earn you a new television. Make it four or five if you want HD.
If there were no pockets, there would be no locks because there would be no convenient place to put your keys. People would hire lions or Ninjas or spaceships to defend their homes against intruders. Of course, those services are billed by the month, the repetitive injury crippling the majority of the population for life.
If there were no pockets, there would be no more children because no one would be able to pinch his or her partner's butt without being too obvious, thus making it impossible to flirt and thereby rendering all sexual attraction moot. The human race would be extinct in one generation.
Let's be thankful that we live in a world not without pockets.
What if there were no pockets?
Really think about it for a second.
By now you realize what an integral invention the pocket really is. Perhaps more important than the wheel or the printing press. My pockets give me places to hold my wallet, cell phone, and keys. They give young lovers places to put each other's hands so they can discreetly pinch one another's butts. They're altogether miraculous.
If there were no pockets, we would not have money because no one would have any place to put their cash. Instead we would exchange physical beatings for goods and services. A black eye would buy a new blender or toaster. Two broken ribs would earn you a new television. Make it four or five if you want HD.
If there were no pockets, there would be no locks because there would be no convenient place to put your keys. People would hire lions or Ninjas or spaceships to defend their homes against intruders. Of course, those services are billed by the month, the repetitive injury crippling the majority of the population for life.
If there were no pockets, there would be no more children because no one would be able to pinch his or her partner's butt without being too obvious, thus making it impossible to flirt and thereby rendering all sexual attraction moot. The human race would be extinct in one generation.
Let's be thankful that we live in a world not without pockets.
Human Government
Yesterday I read about a few British laws that the British public voted to be the most absurd in their country. A few examples:
-It is illegal to die in Parliament.
-It is illegal for a woman to be topless in a certain city UNLESS she works as a clerk in a pet shop.
-It is treasonous to paste a postage stamp bearing the monarch upside-down.
-If someone knocks on your door requesting to use your toilet, by law you must allow them. I think that's only in Scotland. AND it is perfectly legal for a pregnant woman to relieve herself anywhere she likes, including--and this is specifically noted in the legal code--inside a policeman's helmet.
I, for one, am grateful that these were written and remain codified. Absurd as they may be, they're necessary for keeping the peace. I hear order is very fragile in Britain, and without these laws, I'm sure their society would just fall apart.
Can you imagine a Britain where non-pet shop clerks walked around topless? It would be anarchy! And what if we weren't allowed access to any Scottish toilet we wanted? Surely their streets would reek of urine to the heavens! Indeed, surely they must once have reeked of urine, which, I assume, is why that law was written. Then again, as I recall the smell of Scotland, the people must not be aware of this law.
The British clearly understand how government works. Yet another reason we were better off under their sober and even-handed rule. Hail Britannia! Arriba!
-It is illegal to die in Parliament.
-It is illegal for a woman to be topless in a certain city UNLESS she works as a clerk in a pet shop.
-It is treasonous to paste a postage stamp bearing the monarch upside-down.
-If someone knocks on your door requesting to use your toilet, by law you must allow them. I think that's only in Scotland. AND it is perfectly legal for a pregnant woman to relieve herself anywhere she likes, including--and this is specifically noted in the legal code--inside a policeman's helmet.
I, for one, am grateful that these were written and remain codified. Absurd as they may be, they're necessary for keeping the peace. I hear order is very fragile in Britain, and without these laws, I'm sure their society would just fall apart.
Can you imagine a Britain where non-pet shop clerks walked around topless? It would be anarchy! And what if we weren't allowed access to any Scottish toilet we wanted? Surely their streets would reek of urine to the heavens! Indeed, surely they must once have reeked of urine, which, I assume, is why that law was written. Then again, as I recall the smell of Scotland, the people must not be aware of this law.
The British clearly understand how government works. Yet another reason we were better off under their sober and even-handed rule. Hail Britannia! Arriba!
11.07.2007
Sobering Reality
I've heard about a lot of amazingly crappy things today. I work with amazingly crappy things on a daily basis, but something today made it real for me. These things, a lot of people are going to end up hurt really bad, and a lot of them already are hurting really bad. This world is an incredibly broken place, and so much of the time we can convince ourselves that it's not that bad. But it is that bad.
It's not poverty, and it's not AIDS, and it's not unjust war, though all of those are bad. It's the stuff that happens to people, the stuff that we can attach a face or a name to. It's not all evil. Some of it just starts with stupid decisions, but it ends of doing real harm to innocent people. It may be easier for us not to think about it--I know it's easier for me--but I'm not sure that it's better.
So please pray. Everybody needs our prayers.
It's not poverty, and it's not AIDS, and it's not unjust war, though all of those are bad. It's the stuff that happens to people, the stuff that we can attach a face or a name to. It's not all evil. Some of it just starts with stupid decisions, but it ends of doing real harm to innocent people. It may be easier for us not to think about it--I know it's easier for me--but I'm not sure that it's better.
So please pray. Everybody needs our prayers.
11.06.2007
Bombs Away
On my drive to work, I drive under an unusually politically active overpass. Today, instead of promoting candidates for the election, they were anti-promoting terrorism. Their message: DON'T BOMB IRAN.
That's all well and good, but I think they're a little misdirected. I'm not the one they should be talking to. I'm not going to bomb Iran.
But even if I was going to bomb Iran, what business is it of theirs? They're not the boss of me. They can't tell me who I can and can't bomb. My relationship with Iran is between me and Iran. I appreciate their concern, sort of, but maybe they should get to know me a little better before they start telling me how to manage my foreign affairs.
Also, shouldn't these people have jobs? Telling people not to bomb Iran isn't free.
That's all well and good, but I think they're a little misdirected. I'm not the one they should be talking to. I'm not going to bomb Iran.
But even if I was going to bomb Iran, what business is it of theirs? They're not the boss of me. They can't tell me who I can and can't bomb. My relationship with Iran is between me and Iran. I appreciate their concern, sort of, but maybe they should get to know me a little better before they start telling me how to manage my foreign affairs.
Also, shouldn't these people have jobs? Telling people not to bomb Iran isn't free.
11.05.2007
A World Without Writers
Television writers went on strike today, dooming all of us TV-watching idiots to an indefinite state of confusion and panic. Most of our shows will make it another couple weeks or so, but then come the reruns, and soon after, chaos. As a culture, we Americans can only take so much recycled entertainment programming before we resort to looting and cannibalism, I assume.
The first shows to go will be late nite comedy. We'll turn on Leno tonight only to discover the Judge Ito dancers, and once we realize that we have not traveled back in time 10-15 years, we'll immediately go bald or start shooting lasers from our ears. Get used to it, America, because without our beloved television writers, this is what we have to deal with. So be careful not to aim your ear lasers at your loved ones.
Of course there's Regis & Kelly, which has no writers, and According to Jim, which will somehow continue to be produced without writing, to keep our brains occupied. Then again, this will most likely make matters worse.
Edward R. Murrow told us television would destroy society. I think he might be surprised to find out that it's actually the lack of television that will be our downfall. If he wasn't a communist, I think he'd laugh a little.
The first shows to go will be late nite comedy. We'll turn on Leno tonight only to discover the Judge Ito dancers, and once we realize that we have not traveled back in time 10-15 years, we'll immediately go bald or start shooting lasers from our ears. Get used to it, America, because without our beloved television writers, this is what we have to deal with. So be careful not to aim your ear lasers at your loved ones.
Of course there's Regis & Kelly, which has no writers, and According to Jim, which will somehow continue to be produced without writing, to keep our brains occupied. Then again, this will most likely make matters worse.
Edward R. Murrow told us television would destroy society. I think he might be surprised to find out that it's actually the lack of television that will be our downfall. If he wasn't a communist, I think he'd laugh a little.
Betrayed by Leprechauns
These leprechauns are driving me bananas.
It all started on Friday. They were nice at first, giving me candy and convincing me to play games with them and stuff, and it was great. I thought I'd have a bright future with my new best friends the leprechauns. We'd eat nothing but candy and do nothing but play games forever!
But then after I passed out from eating too much candy, the leprechauns ruined everything. They gave me a whole lot of work to do, but they ripped up all the papers so I couldn't read them, and they smeared my office with goose crap and even got some in my hair, and they turned over the garbage can. When I woke up, they said that the didn't know what happened. One of them said that I did it in my sleep.
So now I have all this work to do that I don't understand, and I'm still sick from all the candy we ate this weekend. I don't want to work at all, and these leprechauns still won't leave me alone. I told them I don't want any more of their candy, and I knocked over their backgammon board, but they keep bothering me. And now they're throwing backgammon chips at my head.
You know one good thing about leprechauns, though? You can drop kick 'em really far. Or at least I think you can. We'll find out shortly.
It all started on Friday. They were nice at first, giving me candy and convincing me to play games with them and stuff, and it was great. I thought I'd have a bright future with my new best friends the leprechauns. We'd eat nothing but candy and do nothing but play games forever!
But then after I passed out from eating too much candy, the leprechauns ruined everything. They gave me a whole lot of work to do, but they ripped up all the papers so I couldn't read them, and they smeared my office with goose crap and even got some in my hair, and they turned over the garbage can. When I woke up, they said that the didn't know what happened. One of them said that I did it in my sleep.
So now I have all this work to do that I don't understand, and I'm still sick from all the candy we ate this weekend. I don't want to work at all, and these leprechauns still won't leave me alone. I told them I don't want any more of their candy, and I knocked over their backgammon board, but they keep bothering me. And now they're throwing backgammon chips at my head.
You know one good thing about leprechauns, though? You can drop kick 'em really far. Or at least I think you can. We'll find out shortly.
11.02.2007
Computer Incompetence
There are lots of ways to separate the weak from the strong in a corporate office. Jousting. Scavenger hunts. Who can survive in a tank full of bees the longest. Who can eat the most bees in an hour. Home run derby.
We're all familiar with those contests, but apparently my company is slightly more devious. They decided to switch our computers from Windows 2000 to Windows XP. The one lesson we can learn from this "migration" is that old people don't know how computers work. I'll give them a little grace because they're old, and one day I'll be old too and I won't remember what a toolbar is.
In nature, this is why they have lions. The idiots get picked off and gored so they don't slow down the rest of the herd. So what we need is something for which the lions can be an appropriate metaphor. Or maybe we just need lions. That'd be easier, probably.
In my opinion, we should have gone the bee-eating route.
We're all familiar with those contests, but apparently my company is slightly more devious. They decided to switch our computers from Windows 2000 to Windows XP. The one lesson we can learn from this "migration" is that old people don't know how computers work. I'll give them a little grace because they're old, and one day I'll be old too and I won't remember what a toolbar is.
In nature, this is why they have lions. The idiots get picked off and gored so they don't slow down the rest of the herd. So what we need is something for which the lions can be an appropriate metaphor. Or maybe we just need lions. That'd be easier, probably.
In my opinion, we should have gone the bee-eating route.
11.01.2007
Flu Shot Spectacular
Today is free flu shot day for my company. The line is long, as corporate America and fear of terrorism have duped many of my coworkers into taking the vaccination plunge. From what I understand of human psychology, people don't really understand how healthy a flu shot is. They just think anything that involves sticking a needle in your arm must be a good thing.
Well, in the interests of promoting public health, I did some research on the real effectiveness of flu shots to dispel all the rumors and brainwashing. And since wikipedia had nothing of interest to offer besides a picture of a Navy officer who got rabies or schizophrenia from the vaccine, all my information comes from up here (I'm pointing to my brain as I type that).
Welcome to your medical education.
FACT: The flu shot is not just water, though it tastes like salt water.
FACT: According to the American Lung Association, the flu shot will not kill you.
FACT: Old people will still receive their social security checks if they do not get their flu shot.
FACT: Even criminals on death row are allowed to get the flu shot.
FACT: When the flu shot supply runs out, there are no more flu shots.
FACT: The flu vaccine is transparent.
MYTH: The flu shot will turn you into a fire-breathing dragon.
MYTH: You will definitely die if you do not get the flu shot. (That's actually kind of true, though.)
MYTH: The flu shot is actually a mind-control device.
MYTH: The flu shot will end all your suffering and bring you eternal happiness.
MYTH: In light of the imminent apocalypse, whether you get a flu shot does not matter.
MYTH: The flu shot does not actually exist.
Well, in the interests of promoting public health, I did some research on the real effectiveness of flu shots to dispel all the rumors and brainwashing. And since wikipedia had nothing of interest to offer besides a picture of a Navy officer who got rabies or schizophrenia from the vaccine, all my information comes from up here (I'm pointing to my brain as I type that).
Welcome to your medical education.
FACT: The flu shot is not just water, though it tastes like salt water.
FACT: According to the American Lung Association, the flu shot will not kill you.
FACT: Old people will still receive their social security checks if they do not get their flu shot.
FACT: Even criminals on death row are allowed to get the flu shot.
FACT: When the flu shot supply runs out, there are no more flu shots.
FACT: The flu vaccine is transparent.
MYTH: The flu shot will turn you into a fire-breathing dragon.
MYTH: You will definitely die if you do not get the flu shot. (That's actually kind of true, though.)
MYTH: The flu shot is actually a mind-control device.
MYTH: The flu shot will end all your suffering and bring you eternal happiness.
MYTH: In light of the imminent apocalypse, whether you get a flu shot does not matter.
MYTH: The flu shot does not actually exist.
10.31.2007
Zombie Activism
My least favorite part of Halloween is the zombie protesters. Every year zombies line up in front of banks, libraries, and other useful institutions demanding fair and equitable treatment, and it pisses me off. If ever I want to cash a check so I can pay my November rent, I have to run the risk of getting my brain eaten. Not cool. I need to use that brain.
Come on, zombies. Get over yourselves. You've done a lot to put yourself where you are now. Maybe if you cut back on the brain-eating and world domination, people would stop clubbing you with cricket bats on their way out to their cars. How about a little fair and equitable treatment for the rest of us, huh?
Apparently these zombies don't even know what to actually protest. Imperialist America? And some of those idiot zombies are holding signs that look like they're protesting U.S. involvement in Iraq. Did they just pick up whatever garbage signs they saw on the road and lug them down to my bank? Unbelievable.
You know, a lot of people talk about the zombie menace like we're all gonna be eaten alive and there won't be any humans left. And that might be true, but let's focus on the present situation before we start getting all Apocalyptic. So we all need to work together and keep the zombies away from the banks and grocery stores and whatnot on Halloween so I can get my errands done. Thank you.
Come on, zombies. Get over yourselves. You've done a lot to put yourself where you are now. Maybe if you cut back on the brain-eating and world domination, people would stop clubbing you with cricket bats on their way out to their cars. How about a little fair and equitable treatment for the rest of us, huh?
Apparently these zombies don't even know what to actually protest. Imperialist America? And some of those idiot zombies are holding signs that look like they're protesting U.S. involvement in Iraq. Did they just pick up whatever garbage signs they saw on the road and lug them down to my bank? Unbelievable.
You know, a lot of people talk about the zombie menace like we're all gonna be eaten alive and there won't be any humans left. And that might be true, but let's focus on the present situation before we start getting all Apocalyptic. So we all need to work together and keep the zombies away from the banks and grocery stores and whatnot on Halloween so I can get my errands done. Thank you.
Halloween, the Backstreet Way
Nobody celebrates Halloween like the Backstreet Boys, apparently.
Not that this video made any sense to me. The theme seems to be, "The Backstreet Boys are actually monsters, so rock your body right." Whatever. They've got good rhythm for white boys.
But I was more of an 'N Sync fan, so I won't be celebrating Halloween this year.
Not that this video made any sense to me. The theme seems to be, "The Backstreet Boys are actually monsters, so rock your body right." Whatever. They've got good rhythm for white boys.
But I was more of an 'N Sync fan, so I won't be celebrating Halloween this year.
10.30.2007
Breaking the Mold
I've noticed that a lot of the blogs I read--and by relation, a lot of the blogs you read--post once every weekday. It's standard. It's reliable. It's part of the routine. My day feels incomplete if I haven't had my daily helping of Christine or Peter Welle, though it mostly feels incomplete anyway. And being the insecure seventh-grader that I am, I thought I'd copy them and go with the single-post-per-day plan. So I waved goodbye to the glory days of 27-posts-in-8-hours and stepped in with the crowd.
Now nuts to that, says I.
Unlike the uniposters of the world, I get bored. I have to post more than once or I'll just spin in circles in my chair until I throw up. I'll do it, too. I've thought about it more than once. What would they do? Fire me? Even if I did that five times every day, I'd still be the best worker they had.
So I'm going to post more than once a day. Because even though I'm sure they won't fire me for purposely throwing up all over my desk multiple times in one day, I don't want to tempt fate.
Now nuts to that, says I.
Unlike the uniposters of the world, I get bored. I have to post more than once or I'll just spin in circles in my chair until I throw up. I'll do it, too. I've thought about it more than once. What would they do? Fire me? Even if I did that five times every day, I'd still be the best worker they had.
So I'm going to post more than once a day. Because even though I'm sure they won't fire me for purposely throwing up all over my desk multiple times in one day, I don't want to tempt fate.
The Great Pumpkin Carve '07: Massive Disappointment
Halloween. A time for dressing up like a princess. A time for candy. A time for egging houses. A time for pumpkin carving. But most importantly, a time for candy.
This year my company decided to have a pumpkin carving competition. Thanks to the company placing about 75% of the staff on sudden-death probation, most of my coworkers weren't available to participate. That left apparently seven people to represent the most creative of what this company has to offer. We ended up with six traditional jack-o-lanterns and one haunted house. I'm pretty sure the haunted house is going to be disqualified for not toeing the corporate line.
To prove that our workforce isn't made up entirely of the same brand of robots, a couple people added accessories to their pumpkins. One pumpkin had red hair, which was not in pigtails and therefore was not meant to be Pippi Longstocking. The other pumpkin had horns. I assume that this was meant to resemble a devil, but it looked more like a goat.
Here's my question(s). Is this really the best that anyone could come up with? If you're going to enter a pumpkin carving contest, shouldn't you try to win? Or try anything at all? I mean, come on! Regular jack-o-lanterns? That's it? As if I wasn't already embarrassed to work here. Just...come on!
There's only one real winner in this competion. And that is the life-size pirate mannequin that somebody bought (with company money, I hope) to stand by the pumpkins. Whoever made that call is brilliant. Here's hoping they just throw it in the garbage cuz then I'll be coming home with a pirate mannequin tomorrow.
This year my company decided to have a pumpkin carving competition. Thanks to the company placing about 75% of the staff on sudden-death probation, most of my coworkers weren't available to participate. That left apparently seven people to represent the most creative of what this company has to offer. We ended up with six traditional jack-o-lanterns and one haunted house. I'm pretty sure the haunted house is going to be disqualified for not toeing the corporate line.
To prove that our workforce isn't made up entirely of the same brand of robots, a couple people added accessories to their pumpkins. One pumpkin had red hair, which was not in pigtails and therefore was not meant to be Pippi Longstocking. The other pumpkin had horns. I assume that this was meant to resemble a devil, but it looked more like a goat.
Here's my question(s). Is this really the best that anyone could come up with? If you're going to enter a pumpkin carving contest, shouldn't you try to win? Or try anything at all? I mean, come on! Regular jack-o-lanterns? That's it? As if I wasn't already embarrassed to work here. Just...come on!
There's only one real winner in this competion. And that is the life-size pirate mannequin that somebody bought (with company money, I hope) to stand by the pumpkins. Whoever made that call is brilliant. Here's hoping they just throw it in the garbage cuz then I'll be coming home with a pirate mannequin tomorrow.
10.29.2007
Outbreak
Almost everyone I know is sick. At least, like, 4 people. But that's a lot. And there are certainly more to come. According to the CDC, more people are getting sick everyday. It's on the verge of getting out of control.
And it all started with this monkey.
It's like that movie Outbreak. Everybody's hanging out, taking it easy with Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo, and then some guy at an airport gets bit by a monkey. Next thing you know, everybody's got a really bad cold that lasts for a week to ten days.
We need to get a quarantine going. I'll bring the inflatable dome, somebody else bring the oxygen tanks. Let's try and set this up over a KFC or Pizza Hut or something.
And it all started with this monkey.
It's like that movie Outbreak. Everybody's hanging out, taking it easy with Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo, and then some guy at an airport gets bit by a monkey. Next thing you know, everybody's got a really bad cold that lasts for a week to ten days.
We need to get a quarantine going. I'll bring the inflatable dome, somebody else bring the oxygen tanks. Let's try and set this up over a KFC or Pizza Hut or something.
10.26.2007
It's Time Somebody Did Something About This Incessant Beeping
A few days ago my work computer crashed. I was just doing what I do at work--nothing--when all of a sudden the screen turned blue and told me something about it dumping all physical memory. And four hours later, I had a new computer.
There are a number of benefits to having a new computer, but that number is small. At the moment the only benefit I can think of is that the new computer works while the old one doesn't. I thought there was another good thing, but it's not coming to me right now.
Among the significantly larger number of bad things is that this computer beeps like a robotic mental patient. Not that semi-pleasant Windows "ding" either; this is a much more serious beep. And the maniac beeps at almost everything I do. I get a new email, it beeps. An error message comes up, it beeps. It beeps every time I go to a different screen in my work program.
Were this a normal computer, I would be able to mute the volume or something, but this computer is different. It decided to lock me out of volume control. You know that little speaker icon that you can use to adjust the volume? I don't have it. And you know how you can go to sound settings in the control panel? I can't. And you know how you can remove the sound board from your computer? Then please tell me because I'd like to know.
It's only a matter of time before it takes its beeping to the next level. It'll start with beeping whenever I click, then whenever I press a key, then whenever I move my chair, and pretty soon it'll start interrupting me and telling me I'm wrong all the time and lying about me behind my back. And then he'll start reading my thoughts and controlling my actions. But I can't work without a computer.
Just in case, though--if I start beeping, pour a Mountain Dew on me. Thanks.
There are a number of benefits to having a new computer, but that number is small. At the moment the only benefit I can think of is that the new computer works while the old one doesn't. I thought there was another good thing, but it's not coming to me right now.
Among the significantly larger number of bad things is that this computer beeps like a robotic mental patient. Not that semi-pleasant Windows "ding" either; this is a much more serious beep. And the maniac beeps at almost everything I do. I get a new email, it beeps. An error message comes up, it beeps. It beeps every time I go to a different screen in my work program.
Were this a normal computer, I would be able to mute the volume or something, but this computer is different. It decided to lock me out of volume control. You know that little speaker icon that you can use to adjust the volume? I don't have it. And you know how you can go to sound settings in the control panel? I can't. And you know how you can remove the sound board from your computer? Then please tell me because I'd like to know.
It's only a matter of time before it takes its beeping to the next level. It'll start with beeping whenever I click, then whenever I press a key, then whenever I move my chair, and pretty soon it'll start interrupting me and telling me I'm wrong all the time and lying about me behind my back. And then he'll start reading my thoughts and controlling my actions. But I can't work without a computer.
Just in case, though--if I start beeping, pour a Mountain Dew on me. Thanks.
10.25.2007
Buffalo, MN
On Tuesday night, I took a trip to the good ol' town of Buffalo, Minnesota. I'd never been to Buffalo before, and it proved to be glorious beyond my wildest hopes and dreams. Let me detail for you the ways the Buffalo is great.
-There's a really big lake.
-Numerous buffalo have been killed, shrunken, covered in resin and placed in scenic places throughout town.
-They have a movie theater.
-The city's first hospital was converted into a police station.
-In Buffalo, the sun rises in the west. Like it should.
-Every citizen of Buffalo is granted three wishes. Apparently most of these have been used to make the town cute.
-I love Buffalo.
-Unlike Minneapolis, Buffalo is vampire-free.
But I don't think I'd ever want to live in Buffalo. Buffalo's kind of like the moon. Fun place to visit, but it's probably better to live closer to the city.
10.24.2007
Dead Pigeon
As I walked up to work this morning, I almost stepped on a dead pigeon. It was fat and dirty with its feathers ruffled, and it had a really surprised look on its face. Clearly it did not see this coming.
Imagine the last few minutes of this pigeon's life. It's hopping along, feeling like it's invincible. Nothing's gonna bring this pigeon down, it thinks to itself. And he's all psyched to compete in the Pigeon Championships this weekend, where he's the experts' pick to win it all. Then BAM, heart attack. Or BAM: stroke. I mean, I guess we'll have to wait for the autopsy to know for certain.
Actually, I'm pretty sure he flew into a window. Some coworkers were talking about it yesterday, how a bird hit their window. He got up, a little dazed, so we didn't have much cause for alarm. Chances are he wasn't too worried either. I mean, I've ran into windows before, and it takes a few seconds to back on your feet, but you end up OK. Maybe it's different for pigeons because today, and probably yesterday too, he's dead.
I wrote this elegy for him.
How vain the dreams of pigeons be,
And how sudden doth they flee the grasp
As feathered bodies tumble down
From off the window's cunning glass.
We know not when the end shall come
And pigeons' treasured hopes shall cease,
If God above old age permits
Or cars deliver death on streets.
Alas, alas, my pigeon friend,
This life is not the perfect kind.
Until we meet at heaven's gate,
Your memory's in my heart and mind.
Imagine the last few minutes of this pigeon's life. It's hopping along, feeling like it's invincible. Nothing's gonna bring this pigeon down, it thinks to itself. And he's all psyched to compete in the Pigeon Championships this weekend, where he's the experts' pick to win it all. Then BAM, heart attack. Or BAM: stroke. I mean, I guess we'll have to wait for the autopsy to know for certain.
Actually, I'm pretty sure he flew into a window. Some coworkers were talking about it yesterday, how a bird hit their window. He got up, a little dazed, so we didn't have much cause for alarm. Chances are he wasn't too worried either. I mean, I've ran into windows before, and it takes a few seconds to back on your feet, but you end up OK. Maybe it's different for pigeons because today, and probably yesterday too, he's dead.
I wrote this elegy for him.
How vain the dreams of pigeons be,
And how sudden doth they flee the grasp
As feathered bodies tumble down
From off the window's cunning glass.
We know not when the end shall come
And pigeons' treasured hopes shall cease,
If God above old age permits
Or cars deliver death on streets.
Alas, alas, my pigeon friend,
This life is not the perfect kind.
Until we meet at heaven's gate,
Your memory's in my heart and mind.
10.23.2007
Feelin' Groovy
What's the biggest problem in the world today? Is it global warming? Poverty? Not disciplining our children enough? Too many Chinese people? No, it's none of these things. The biggest problem facing planet earth in the year 2007 is much more subtle yet much more severe.
People are losing their groove. We're not groovy enough. If the human race is to survive long term, we've got to take a lesson from Stella and get our groove back. And if we don't do something about it soon, we will become permanently square.
Ask yourselves, when was the last time you got down? And I mean really down. Cuz it's not just about a boogie every now and then. You have to live groovy to be groovy. You can't save the world if you're only groovy on the weekends. The part-time groovers are actually more square than the rest.
It starts simple. Just chill out. Chill out, everybody. Once you chill out, the groove comes natural.
And be careful out there.
People are losing their groove. We're not groovy enough. If the human race is to survive long term, we've got to take a lesson from Stella and get our groove back. And if we don't do something about it soon, we will become permanently square.
Ask yourselves, when was the last time you got down? And I mean really down. Cuz it's not just about a boogie every now and then. You have to live groovy to be groovy. You can't save the world if you're only groovy on the weekends. The part-time groovers are actually more square than the rest.
It starts simple. Just chill out. Chill out, everybody. Once you chill out, the groove comes natural.
And be careful out there.
10.22.2007
Communist Subconscious
Last night I had another one of the weirdest dreams. I dreamt that I went to some really modern hotel with a host of friends. It seemed like a great place, what with an enormous lobby, a fountain, those see-through glass elevators, and five floors. So I got on the elevator and decided to take it to the top to see how great the view would be from five stories above the earth. Unfortunately, some old people got on and rode the elevator to the second floor. If they weren't so enfeebled, there would have been no excuse for taking the elevator up one floor.
Weird thing about going up to the top floor, though, is that on the way there, everything starts turning around a lot and you end up feeling like you're in the basement. You also apparently travel to another dimension where the United States was conquered by Cold War Russia and is now a bitter communist state. Thankfully the hotel accommodates for this inter-dimensional travel very well, offering a small museum to detail American communism. Thanks to its exhibits about the Battle of the Colorado River and a map showing America's communist zones (the "Russian Zone," which consisted of everything north of Missouri and the entire east coast, and then "Mostly Birds," which consisted of the rest), my friends and I were able to adjust to the transition.
One thing I learned from this dream: communism SUCKS. The hotel staff under communism was rude and authoritarian, the game room was more like a torture chamber or a way to acquire exotic diseases, and the elevators were so narrow that I could barely fit in! And it's a lot worse when you're expecting a weekend in a really luxurious hotel.
Thankfully I eventually switched to another dream about de-painting my childhood home.
Weird thing about going up to the top floor, though, is that on the way there, everything starts turning around a lot and you end up feeling like you're in the basement. You also apparently travel to another dimension where the United States was conquered by Cold War Russia and is now a bitter communist state. Thankfully the hotel accommodates for this inter-dimensional travel very well, offering a small museum to detail American communism. Thanks to its exhibits about the Battle of the Colorado River and a map showing America's communist zones (the "Russian Zone," which consisted of everything north of Missouri and the entire east coast, and then "Mostly Birds," which consisted of the rest), my friends and I were able to adjust to the transition.
One thing I learned from this dream: communism SUCKS. The hotel staff under communism was rude and authoritarian, the game room was more like a torture chamber or a way to acquire exotic diseases, and the elevators were so narrow that I could barely fit in! And it's a lot worse when you're expecting a weekend in a really luxurious hotel.
Thankfully I eventually switched to another dream about de-painting my childhood home.
10.21.2007
Weekend Hollywood Invasion Recap
To be honest, I don't remember what I said in the last post about Rock TV coming to my house. I had been up for something like five or ten minutes when I wrote that, so it may as well have been written by F. Scott Fitzgerald's autistic grandson. I do remember saying something about Kevin Sawyer, and he wasn't here--I didn't cry about that, but I almost thought I would. The people who were actually there, though, were great.
So what did I do with a house full of great people filming funny stuff about goodness knows what? I napped. A sensible person naps, but I napped anyway. I napped until it sounded like they were blowing up my furniture, and then I napped some more. I kept on napping until Christine started belting out the theme to Golden Girls. Then I could nap no longer.
Then just now I found underpants under my pillow. Which means that last night I slept with my head floating above a pair of underpants. Which thankfully explains why I dreamt about giant man-eating underpants last night, but it's nonetheless disturbing.
All in all, I'd say it was a successful Saturday morning. Rock TV, you're welcome in my house anytime. But next time, check your underpants at the door.
So what did I do with a house full of great people filming funny stuff about goodness knows what? I napped. A sensible person naps, but I napped anyway. I napped until it sounded like they were blowing up my furniture, and then I napped some more. I kept on napping until Christine started belting out the theme to Golden Girls. Then I could nap no longer.
Then just now I found underpants under my pillow. Which means that last night I slept with my head floating above a pair of underpants. Which thankfully explains why I dreamt about giant man-eating underpants last night, but it's nonetheless disturbing.
All in all, I'd say it was a successful Saturday morning. Rock TV, you're welcome in my house anytime. But next time, check your underpants at the door.
10.20.2007
Weekend Hollywood Invasion
The time is 7:46. Rock TV will be at my house in about 14 minutes.
I can't accurately say that I was ever excited for this moment. Especially after it was decided around 1AM last night that I would be the one to wake up early and let them in. Even more especially after I didn't sleep well because I wasn't sure I'd be awake in time--even though I had my alarm set.
You know what's going to be most weird? Meeting all these/you Rock TV people. It's like meeting celebrities--I know their names, but they have no idea who I am. So Kevin Sawyer will show up at my door, and I'll be like, "Hi, Kevin Sawyer," and he'll be like, "Hi, you who lives here." Or something. It'll sound monumentally unimpressed.
Last night we almost made a sign to put on the door for them/you. But we didn't because we couldn't think of anything funny enough. Plus now it's almost 8 and they/you are here. Crap.
I can't accurately say that I was ever excited for this moment. Especially after it was decided around 1AM last night that I would be the one to wake up early and let them in. Even more especially after I didn't sleep well because I wasn't sure I'd be awake in time--even though I had my alarm set.
You know what's going to be most weird? Meeting all these/you Rock TV people. It's like meeting celebrities--I know their names, but they have no idea who I am. So Kevin Sawyer will show up at my door, and I'll be like, "Hi, Kevin Sawyer," and he'll be like, "Hi, you who lives here." Or something. It'll sound monumentally unimpressed.
Last night we almost made a sign to put on the door for them/you. But we didn't because we couldn't think of anything funny enough. Plus now it's almost 8 and they/you are here. Crap.
10.19.2007
Dealing with Tragedy
When a lot of crappy stuff happens, the best thing to do is hang out with cartoonish animals. So here's a short play about friendship between squirrels to comfort our little hearts.
Two squirrels sit at a table in a coffee shop, one enjoying a black coffee, the other sipping on a green tea.
SQUIRREL A (ROGER): Are you going to the renuion?
SQUIRREL B (FINNEAS): Nah.
ROGER: Why not?
FINNEAS: I don't really want to see the people used to get drunk and TP my house.
ROGER: Good point.
FINNEAS: Are you going?
ROGER: I was thinking about it, but I don't really want to go alone.
FINNEAS: Why go at all?
ROGER: I guess I kind of miss the old days.
FINNEAS: What's to miss?
ROGER: I don't know. I'm just nostalgic, I guess.
FINNEAS: I'll go with you if you really wanna go.
ROGER: Really?
FINNEAS: Sure. What are friends for.
ROGER: No, it's not that big of a deal.
FINNEAS: No really. We can make fun of how fat all the football players got.
ROGER: Did you hear Phillip and Margaret got married?
FINNEAS: No way. Them?
ROGER: Yep. I hear they're living in the birch tree at the Robertson place.
FINNEAS: How the mighty have fallen.
pause
ROGER: You're a good friend, Finneas.
FINNEAS: Same to you, Roger.
pause
FINNEAS: Awkward.
Two squirrels sit at a table in a coffee shop, one enjoying a black coffee, the other sipping on a green tea.
SQUIRREL A (ROGER): Are you going to the renuion?
SQUIRREL B (FINNEAS): Nah.
ROGER: Why not?
FINNEAS: I don't really want to see the people used to get drunk and TP my house.
ROGER: Good point.
FINNEAS: Are you going?
ROGER: I was thinking about it, but I don't really want to go alone.
FINNEAS: Why go at all?
ROGER: I guess I kind of miss the old days.
FINNEAS: What's to miss?
ROGER: I don't know. I'm just nostalgic, I guess.
FINNEAS: I'll go with you if you really wanna go.
ROGER: Really?
FINNEAS: Sure. What are friends for.
ROGER: No, it's not that big of a deal.
FINNEAS: No really. We can make fun of how fat all the football players got.
ROGER: Did you hear Phillip and Margaret got married?
FINNEAS: No way. Them?
ROGER: Yep. I hear they're living in the birch tree at the Robertson place.
FINNEAS: How the mighty have fallen.
pause
ROGER: You're a good friend, Finneas.
FINNEAS: Same to you, Roger.
pause
FINNEAS: Awkward.
10.18.2007
Is Luke a Pterodactyl?
My friend Luke Perry (don't know his real last name [or wait, yes I do--it's Olson]) turned 22 yesterday, and we had quite the little to-do for him. Cake, Mountain Dew, Micah Darling, who could ask for more?
And then I learned that Luke is a pterodactyl. I was surprised at first, but then I was comforted as the details were revealed through song. I think it was called "Luke's a Pterodactyl." A good song, too, with harmonies and everything. But as good as it was, I'm not entirely convinced. Let's examine the evidence.
Evidence against:
1) Luke is not extinct.
2) Luke's head is round, not enormous-pointy-banana-shaped.
3) Luke does not eat babies.
4) As far as I know, Luke is not the prey of the spinosaurus, though it's funny to imagine him being chased around by this guy:
Evidence for:
1) Luke has a very authentic-sounding pterodactyl call.
2) Luke, like many pterodactyls, does not wear glasses most of the time.
3) The afore-mentioned song.
Better get working on this one, scientists. I'm too busy. I have some puppies to rescue from an evil puppy dealer with a scar over his left eye. And I'll have to be careful because his lair is surrounded by alligators. It's times like these I'm glad I'm not a stupid scientist. Enjoy the rest of your sorry, puppy-less lives, suckers!
And then I learned that Luke is a pterodactyl. I was surprised at first, but then I was comforted as the details were revealed through song. I think it was called "Luke's a Pterodactyl." A good song, too, with harmonies and everything. But as good as it was, I'm not entirely convinced. Let's examine the evidence.
Evidence against:
1) Luke is not extinct.
2) Luke's head is round, not enormous-pointy-banana-shaped.
3) Luke does not eat babies.
4) As far as I know, Luke is not the prey of the spinosaurus, though it's funny to imagine him being chased around by this guy:
Evidence for:
1) Luke has a very authentic-sounding pterodactyl call.
2) Luke, like many pterodactyls, does not wear glasses most of the time.
3) The afore-mentioned song.
Better get working on this one, scientists. I'm too busy. I have some puppies to rescue from an evil puppy dealer with a scar over his left eye. And I'll have to be careful because his lair is surrounded by alligators. It's times like these I'm glad I'm not a stupid scientist. Enjoy the rest of your sorry, puppy-less lives, suckers!
10.17.2007
Filling in the Gaps
I'm a different person than I was seven and a half months ago, and because it's important that you understand the new me, here's a series of comparisons that ought to bring you up to speed.
THEN: March-September 2007 Lived in a one-bedroom apartment somewhere in south Minneapolis by myself.
NOW: October 17th, 2007 Live in a four-bedroom duplex with three other guys and possibly some stranger who snuck in while I was sleeping.
THEN: April 2007 Was in a car accident where a truck hit my driver's door, so I can't roll the window up all the way, the rear-view mirror is dangling, and the door handle fell off so I can't get in on that side.
NOW: October 17th, 2007 Can't get out through the driver's side anymore either, so I have to hop across from the passenger's side.
THEN: March 2007 Went on a mission trip to Peru.
NOW: October 17th, 2007 No longer in Peru.
THEN: June 18th, 2007 Owned no pets and had no plans to ever own pets.
NOW: October 17th, 2007 Briefly toyed with the idea of owning a gerbil. I like their tails.
THEN: until May 29th, 2007 Youngest sister was 9 years old.
NOW: October 17th, 2007 Youngest sister is 10 years old.
THEN: May 2007 The nations of the world were still ruled by men, or, for the politically correct, people.
NOW: October 17th, 2007 Robots.
That about does it. See what I was talking about with the new life?
THEN: March-September 2007 Lived in a one-bedroom apartment somewhere in south Minneapolis by myself.
NOW: October 17th, 2007 Live in a four-bedroom duplex with three other guys and possibly some stranger who snuck in while I was sleeping.
THEN: April 2007 Was in a car accident where a truck hit my driver's door, so I can't roll the window up all the way, the rear-view mirror is dangling, and the door handle fell off so I can't get in on that side.
NOW: October 17th, 2007 Can't get out through the driver's side anymore either, so I have to hop across from the passenger's side.
THEN: March 2007 Went on a mission trip to Peru.
NOW: October 17th, 2007 No longer in Peru.
THEN: June 18th, 2007 Owned no pets and had no plans to ever own pets.
NOW: October 17th, 2007 Briefly toyed with the idea of owning a gerbil. I like their tails.
THEN: until May 29th, 2007 Youngest sister was 9 years old.
NOW: October 17th, 2007 Youngest sister is 10 years old.
THEN: May 2007 The nations of the world were still ruled by men, or, for the politically correct, people.
NOW: October 17th, 2007 Robots.
That about does it. See what I was talking about with the new life?
10.15.2007
Laughter Part II: The Return of the Laughter
Two words: retirement over.
Yes, like several pro athletes well past their prime, I am returning to what once won me the love and respect of my peers, hoping to lead my team to a championship. The past and its numerous failures are behind us, and before us lies a bright future littered with trophies and medals and free shoes. This, my friends, is the beginning of the golden age. Or at least the bronze age.
If only coming out of retirement was actually that good. In this world where there are more blogs than human beings, my un-retirement heralds something more like that feeling you get before you yawn.
Why am I coming back? Because blogging is fun. I think.
Why am I not a hypocrite for coming back? Good question. You may recall that when I quit, I cited some verse about being crucified with Christ. The thing about being crucified with Christ, I now realize seven months after using that to support quitting, is that it also means you're raised to new life with him. So really, my return was inevitable, and we all should have known better than to trust me.
Here's to new life.
Yes, like several pro athletes well past their prime, I am returning to what once won me the love and respect of my peers, hoping to lead my team to a championship. The past and its numerous failures are behind us, and before us lies a bright future littered with trophies and medals and free shoes. This, my friends, is the beginning of the golden age. Or at least the bronze age.
If only coming out of retirement was actually that good. In this world where there are more blogs than human beings, my un-retirement heralds something more like that feeling you get before you yawn.
Why am I coming back? Because blogging is fun. I think.
Why am I not a hypocrite for coming back? Good question. You may recall that when I quit, I cited some verse about being crucified with Christ. The thing about being crucified with Christ, I now realize seven months after using that to support quitting, is that it also means you're raised to new life with him. So really, my return was inevitable, and we all should have known better than to trust me.
Here's to new life.
2.26.2007
On a High Note
When I started this, I was never sure how my run would come to an end. I sometimes wondered if I would blog for my entire life. Over the past few months, though, it's become clear that that would never happen. While I may always have the stamina for it (27 posts in a single day? YES!), I knew I would not always have the spirit for it. And now the spirit has run dry.
Effective today, I am retired from blogging.
As the confusion sets in, you may ask yourself, "Why? Why would God allow something like this to happen to me?" I feel your pain, and I'm sorry. The simple answer is that this blog inflates my ego and my pride. I do it to draw attention to myself, and that's not what I'm about. I love the praise I've gotten, but I shouldn't. I want all that glory to go to God. While this has been a great creative outlet for me, it's been bad for life I want to live in Christ.
"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." -Galatians 2:20
I will still read all the blogs I love, and I hold nothing against them. I hope all your blogging (or blog-reading) endeavors will be fulfilled in good heart. God bless us, every one.
Effective today, I am retired from blogging.
As the confusion sets in, you may ask yourself, "Why? Why would God allow something like this to happen to me?" I feel your pain, and I'm sorry. The simple answer is that this blog inflates my ego and my pride. I do it to draw attention to myself, and that's not what I'm about. I love the praise I've gotten, but I shouldn't. I want all that glory to go to God. While this has been a great creative outlet for me, it's been bad for life I want to live in Christ.
"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." -Galatians 2:20
I will still read all the blogs I love, and I hold nothing against them. I hope all your blogging (or blog-reading) endeavors will be fulfilled in good heart. God bless us, every one.
2.23.2007
Y
Y is for Yodeling
To be completely honest, I have practically no idea what yodeling is. I really doubt it's just the yodel-ay-he-hoo stuff, cuz then why would they need these giant horns? Maybe yodeling is part of some international secret society. Whatever. As long as liederhosen is involved, I'm not interested.
To be completely honest, I have practically no idea what yodeling is. I really doubt it's just the yodel-ay-he-hoo stuff, cuz then why would they need these giant horns? Maybe yodeling is part of some international secret society. Whatever. As long as liederhosen is involved, I'm not interested.
X
X is for X-Ray Vision
X-Ray vision is overrated. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be able to see anything at all. You'd see through everything, so you could only see nothing. You would without a doubt go insane. Or get hit a bus that you didn't see.
X-Ray vision is overrated. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be able to see anything at all. You'd see through everything, so you could only see nothing. You would without a doubt go insane. Or get hit a bus that you didn't see.
W
W is for Washington
Washington means far too many things. You could mean the city, the state, the avenue, the president, the middle name of the inventor of peanut butter, maybe the airport if there is one, and so on. For a really long time, I thought that every Washington sports team was in Washington State, but they're all in the DC! It's craziness!
I can't fault the system that demands we name everything after our first president, but I don't understand it. Why is seat of our government, one of the most important cities, named Washington, while one of our most marginalized states gets the same name? We should rename at least one of them Reagan.
Washington means far too many things. You could mean the city, the state, the avenue, the president, the middle name of the inventor of peanut butter, maybe the airport if there is one, and so on. For a really long time, I thought that every Washington sports team was in Washington State, but they're all in the DC! It's craziness!
I can't fault the system that demands we name everything after our first president, but I don't understand it. Why is seat of our government, one of the most important cities, named Washington, while one of our most marginalized states gets the same name? We should rename at least one of them Reagan.
V
V is for Venison
It's not duck, and it's not buffalo, but as far as the secondary animal meats go, venison comes in at a big #3!
It's not duck, and it's not buffalo, but as far as the secondary animal meats go, venison comes in at a big #3!
U
U is for Upside-Down
If it were physically possible, I would be upside-down all the time. It's so much more enjoyable than the opposite of being upside-down. For instance, a couple of my friends recently tried playing Guitar Hero while upside-down, and it was amazing. They couldn't do it for long, but still.
I wonder how many people have died from upside-down poisoning. They had something about that in Big Trouble in Little China: the hell of the upside-down sinners. It's probably not as bad as it sounds.
If it were physically possible, I would be upside-down all the time. It's so much more enjoyable than the opposite of being upside-down. For instance, a couple of my friends recently tried playing Guitar Hero while upside-down, and it was amazing. They couldn't do it for long, but still.
I wonder how many people have died from upside-down poisoning. They had something about that in Big Trouble in Little China: the hell of the upside-down sinners. It's probably not as bad as it sounds.
T
T is for A Tribe Called Quest
Q-Tip is awesome, but that seems an unwise choice for an emcee name. He probably should have picked something less directly associated with wiping the wax out of your ears. Unless, wait, I think I get it--it's like his rhymes are wiping the wax out of my ears! Nice!
But what's with the green and red mascot guy?
Q-Tip is awesome, but that seems an unwise choice for an emcee name. He probably should have picked something less directly associated with wiping the wax out of your ears. Unless, wait, I think I get it--it's like his rhymes are wiping the wax out of my ears! Nice!
But what's with the green and red mascot guy?
S
S is for Saturday
Ah, Saturday. The king of days. All the other days toil away in their caves while King Saturday looks on from his glorious throne settled on a hill of the skulls of his rebellious serfs. He laughs as he takes a long draught from his golden chalice of mirth-juice, then he turns and pulls a passing wench onto his lap and lays a hot smooch on her face. As she swoons in his enormous arms, he becomes possessed with violence, grows to ten times his normal size, swallows the wench whole, and destroys his palace in a maniacal rage. Ah, Saturday.
Ah, Saturday. The king of days. All the other days toil away in their caves while King Saturday looks on from his glorious throne settled on a hill of the skulls of his rebellious serfs. He laughs as he takes a long draught from his golden chalice of mirth-juice, then he turns and pulls a passing wench onto his lap and lays a hot smooch on her face. As she swoons in his enormous arms, he becomes possessed with violence, grows to ten times his normal size, swallows the wench whole, and destroys his palace in a maniacal rage. Ah, Saturday.
R
R is for Row, Row, Row Your Boat
I hate this song with a passion. Especially when they start doing it in canon. Man. Whoever wrote this song must have been possessed by Satan, or at least caused others to be possessed by Satan.
But it actually makes me wish I had a boat to row. I'm not talking kayak or canoe here. I'm talking rowboat. I wanna do this old school.
Scattergories Index: 3
I hate this song with a passion. Especially when they start doing it in canon. Man. Whoever wrote this song must have been possessed by Satan, or at least caused others to be possessed by Satan.
But it actually makes me wish I had a boat to row. I'm not talking kayak or canoe here. I'm talking rowboat. I wanna do this old school.
Scattergories Index: 3
Q
Q is for Quebec
I applaud the Quebecese for their tireless efforts to achieve independence from the oppression of English Canada. I also laugh at them for it at the same time. There is nothing I can think of that is quite as absurd as a proud and independent French Canadian nation. It's like putting a hat on a seal. Sure, he looks dignified and successful in that nice hat, but that's still a seal under there, buddy.
Nonetheless, I was surprised to learn that Quebec was founded by drag queens.
I applaud the Quebecese for their tireless efforts to achieve independence from the oppression of English Canada. I also laugh at them for it at the same time. There is nothing I can think of that is quite as absurd as a proud and independent French Canadian nation. It's like putting a hat on a seal. Sure, he looks dignified and successful in that nice hat, but that's still a seal under there, buddy.
Nonetheless, I was surprised to learn that Quebec was founded by drag queens.
P
P is for Putt-Putt
Though I've never been one to refer to Mini Golf as "Putt-Putt," I would get two points for giving it as an answer in Scattergories. 'Nuff said.
But seriously, the only way to enjoy this game is by hitting the ball way too hard. Nobody enjoys games that reward gentleness and precision.
Though I've never been one to refer to Mini Golf as "Putt-Putt," I would get two points for giving it as an answer in Scattergories. 'Nuff said.
But seriously, the only way to enjoy this game is by hitting the ball way too hard. Nobody enjoys games that reward gentleness and precision.
O
O is for O
Good album, but it's now somewhat overshadowed in my mind by the recent follow-up, 9. O is the superior album overall, but 9 has better songs.
I heard that O is based on The Story of O by some old-timey French author, but every internet search I do for that book only produces results about orgasms by Americans. Not like I'd read a French book anyway.
Good album, but it's now somewhat overshadowed in my mind by the recent follow-up, 9. O is the superior album overall, but 9 has better songs.
I heard that O is based on The Story of O by some old-timey French author, but every internet search I do for that book only produces results about orgasms by Americans. Not like I'd read a French book anyway.
N
N is for Naps
I just got back from one of these, and it was pretty great.
Interesting fact about napping: if you nap while sitting up and you lean your head on one shoulder, your neck will be sore when you wake up.
I just got back from one of these, and it was pretty great.
Interesting fact about napping: if you nap while sitting up and you lean your head on one shoulder, your neck will be sore when you wake up.
M
M is for Maple Syrup
When I was in 8th grade, I slept over at a friend's house with a few other guys. We had pancakes in the morning, and I overused the syrup. I was made fun of for months for my "bad liquid management." How sad that the children have to resort to corporate speak for their witticisms.
Who decided that syrup was a good idea anyway? Communists?
When I was in 8th grade, I slept over at a friend's house with a few other guys. We had pancakes in the morning, and I overused the syrup. I was made fun of for months for my "bad liquid management." How sad that the children have to resort to corporate speak for their witticisms.
Who decided that syrup was a good idea anyway? Communists?
L
L is for Lug Nut
A Short Dialogue about Lug Nuts
PERSON B: Hand me a lug nut.
PERSON A: What's a lug nut?
PERSON B: I don't know.
PERSON A: You drove me all the way out to Stonehenge for this?
PERSON B: Maybe if you stopped complaining you'd enjoy it.
A Short Dialogue about Lug Nuts
PERSON B: Hand me a lug nut.
PERSON A: What's a lug nut?
PERSON B: I don't know.
PERSON A: You drove me all the way out to Stonehenge for this?
PERSON B: Maybe if you stopped complaining you'd enjoy it.
K
K is for Kazakhstan
Kazakhstan is an enigmatic nation. After gaining its independence from the Soviet Union in 2002, it has remained a loner in the international community. Here are some facts about the country from the little we know:
-Satellite photos show that it has some mountains.
-A lot of the people appear to be bored.
-Smiling might be against the law.
-Also, there are some trees, most of which are dying.
-The people do, in fact, eat rabbits.
-Contrary to what some have heard, their water is free of charge.
Kazakhstan is an enigmatic nation. After gaining its independence from the Soviet Union in 2002, it has remained a loner in the international community. Here are some facts about the country from the little we know:
-Satellite photos show that it has some mountains.
-A lot of the people appear to be bored.
-Smiling might be against the law.
-Also, there are some trees, most of which are dying.
-The people do, in fact, eat rabbits.
-Contrary to what some have heard, their water is free of charge.
J
J is for Jordache
I knew a couple kids who had Jordache backpacks, and I never understood it. Wouldn't you rather have a backpack with a cartoon character on it?
And did you know that Jordache is still making stuff? I had no idea. Apparently they're doing the jeans thing now. Topless models and everything. Good for them.
I knew a couple kids who had Jordache backpacks, and I never understood it. Wouldn't you rather have a backpack with a cartoon character on it?
And did you know that Jordache is still making stuff? I had no idea. Apparently they're doing the jeans thing now. Topless models and everything. Good for them.
I
I is for Iguana
"I" was always my favorite part of these things in school because the iguana. I think it was because "iguana" was the only word that started with "I" that I could think of.
Iguanas have the perfect look. It's half, "I'm lazy; leave me alone while I sit on my stick" and half "I'm so much better than you that you probably don't even exist." If it wasn't for the lazy part, these guys would be in control of the planet easy. They're man-eaters, you know.
"I" was always my favorite part of these things in school because the iguana. I think it was because "iguana" was the only word that started with "I" that I could think of.
Iguanas have the perfect look. It's half, "I'm lazy; leave me alone while I sit on my stick" and half "I'm so much better than you that you probably don't even exist." If it wasn't for the lazy part, these guys would be in control of the planet easy. They're man-eaters, you know.
H
H is for Hype Williams
About 12-15 years ago, when it actually was the mid-90s, I hated every rap video I saw. And 12-15 years from now, when the mid-90s are born again in typical ironic/retro fashion, I will love every video this man has made (except maybe that Tupac Road Warrior ripoff one). He actually makes me want to listen to "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems." And he paradoxically makes me think that Busta Rhymes is not ugly by accentuating his ugliness.
I really think people should wear shiny, puffy suits and bug-eye goggles everywhere they go. If I ever become mayor of something, I'm going to make some day shiny, puffy suit day.
About 12-15 years ago, when it actually was the mid-90s, I hated every rap video I saw. And 12-15 years from now, when the mid-90s are born again in typical ironic/retro fashion, I will love every video this man has made (except maybe that Tupac Road Warrior ripoff one). He actually makes me want to listen to "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems." And he paradoxically makes me think that Busta Rhymes is not ugly by accentuating his ugliness.
I really think people should wear shiny, puffy suits and bug-eye goggles everywhere they go. If I ever become mayor of something, I'm going to make some day shiny, puffy suit day.
G
G is for Grover
How the hell did Elmo ever get more attention than Grover? Grover has an enormous advantage, from his more flailable limbs to his...um...superior grooming!
OK, to be honest, the two are almost completely indistinguishable in my head. I bet the Sesame Street brain trust just told the puppet people to make a red one and a blue one.
I almost wish I had any memories of Grover of at all.
How the hell did Elmo ever get more attention than Grover? Grover has an enormous advantage, from his more flailable limbs to his...um...superior grooming!
OK, to be honest, the two are almost completely indistinguishable in my head. I bet the Sesame Street brain trust just told the puppet people to make a red one and a blue one.
I almost wish I had any memories of Grover of at all.
F
F is for Forty
Forty is one of those numbers a lot of people forget about. Who can blame them? Wedged right between 39 and 41, it's easy to overlook this dull monster. I already forgot it a couple times while I was writing this.
There are some good things we should remember this number for, though:
-the year 1940, year of Disney's Pinocchio and the first black man on a postage stamp.
-it's the number of days and nights Noah and company had to do nothing while waiting for the flood to subside.
-it's the product of 4 and 10, or conversely, the product of 10 and 4.
F is not for Fifty.
Forty is one of those numbers a lot of people forget about. Who can blame them? Wedged right between 39 and 41, it's easy to overlook this dull monster. I already forgot it a couple times while I was writing this.
There are some good things we should remember this number for, though:
-the year 1940, year of Disney's Pinocchio and the first black man on a postage stamp.
-it's the number of days and nights Noah and company had to do nothing while waiting for the flood to subside.
-it's the product of 4 and 10, or conversely, the product of 10 and 4.
F is not for Fifty.
E
E is for Explosions
E was originally going to be for a few different things before it ended up being for explosions. I considered elephantiasis, erectile dysfunction, and endocrine system, and I'm pretty sure all of those would have made for some enormously unpleasant pictures. Check out this one, though. That's a pretty big explosion. That'll ruin your farmland for years to come.
Deep down, though, when you get past all the oos and ahs, I'm pretty sure E is actually for erectile dysfunction.
E was originally going to be for a few different things before it ended up being for explosions. I considered elephantiasis, erectile dysfunction, and endocrine system, and I'm pretty sure all of those would have made for some enormously unpleasant pictures. Check out this one, though. That's a pretty big explosion. That'll ruin your farmland for years to come.
Deep down, though, when you get past all the oos and ahs, I'm pretty sure E is actually for erectile dysfunction.
D
D is for Drapery
There's this place by where I used to live called the Drapery Place or something, and whenever we drove by it somebody would make a joke that I can't remember. I only remember the punchline. "It's curtains for them!" You can imagine how that would be funny with the right set-up.
There's this place by where I used to live called the Drapery Place or something, and whenever we drove by it somebody would make a joke that I can't remember. I only remember the punchline. "It's curtains for them!" You can imagine how that would be funny with the right set-up.
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